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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within (Abridged)
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Comedy
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| Final Fantasy - The Spirits Within (Abridged) | |
| By Levi | ||||||||||
| 03 December 2007 | ||||||||||
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(ABRIDGED - A spoof script of a bad film.) Some day I'll write and post a proper comedy script. Until then, this is something I scribbled up when the original film was released (many years ago!). The idea of ABRIDGED scripts was a monthly favourite with Total Film a while ago, but it wasn't until I found an actual published book - 'Films In Ten Minutes' - that I decided to have a go at my own. It doesn't really matter if you've never seen the almost-too- real CGI-fest that is The Spirits Within, but bare in mind I'm about to spoil the plot for you. But then, if you ever manage to watch and fully understand the contrived nonsense on first viewing, you are a better man than most. EXT. POST_APOCALYPSE NEW YORK. NIGHT AKI ROSS admires FOLIAGE until commandos arrive and begin SWEARING andSHOOTING at the ETHER. AKI is heroically rescued from the FIGHT her friends STARTED. INT. MAGICAL BUBBLE LAND. NIGHT The RUGGED LEADER of the COMMANDOS inexplicably has only MOMENTS TO LIVE and AKI must save him using SCIENCE. RUGGED LEADER Thank god for that. Another second or two and whatever I was about to die from would have killed me. Whatever it was. I’m gonna make you feel beautiful, Aki. AKI Not so fast. Plot first, freaky CGI space sex later. Look, here’s Sid. DONALD SUTHERLAND turns up to TALK IN RIDDLES, making very little SENSE. INT. DRAMATIC CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY Manly men and stoic officials RAMBLE ANGRILY. DONALD SUTHERLAND In order to eliminate the evil spirits, we must gather good spirits with certain waves then use their combined spirit waves to counteract the evil spirits which have the same waves. JAMES WOODS Wrong! Killing and death is how we defeat our enemies! I am too blinded by bloodlust and animosity to listen to your ‘Spirits Within’ nonsense. Hate, bigotry, baby-eating, etc. EXT. DESERT. NIGHT NOTHING HAPPENS for twenty minutes. AKI plays with a wrist GADGET, more ORANGE THINGS turn up, and SOMEONE WITH A GUN has their SOUL fall out. Meanwhile, AKI'S STRANGE DREAM is CONTINUALLY REFERENCED leaving the AUDIENCE with the FALSE IMPRESSION that it has ANY BEARING on the NARRATIVE. INT. CONTROL ROOM. NIGHT JAMES WOODS’ continues to act BELLIGERENT and IMPETUOUS. JAMES WOODS To win we must destroy our own defences! Off with the shield, everyone! The SHIELD protecting the DOME BASE from deadly GHOSTS is turned off, so GHOSTS enter and KILL thousands of INNOCENT PEOPLE. JAMES WOODS Oops. Shield back up please everyone. EVERYONE <is dead> JAMES WOODS awkwardly LEAVES in a POD. INT. LASER PRISON. NIGHT AKI and her COMMANDO friends are SEALED in a PRISON. When the POWER shuts off they are FREED because the BARS are IMAGINATIVELY COMPRISED of LASERS. STEVE BUSCEMI Quip-diddily-quip. AKI To the dune buggy! INT. SCI-FI CLICHÉ LAND. NIGHT AKI and the COMMANDOS escape DRAMATICALLY as every last CIVILIAN is MURDERED. Then the COMMANDOS are MURDERED too. RUGGED LEADER Me next. AKI You’re the love interest, you can’t die! Now get your fine ass in the escape- mobile. The RUGGED LEADER reluctantly OBLIGES. INT. SPACESHIP. NIGHT AKI I can’t believe it. Everyone’s dead. Everyone. RUGGED LEADER Yeah, so... Wanna make out? AKI I honestly can’t imagine a less appropriate time. So sure. AKI and GRAY get to the lovin’ high above the STILL SMOULDERING CORPSES of their FALLEN BRETHREN. INT. ANOTHER SPACESHIP. NIGHT JAMES WOODS realises what film he’s in and holds a GUN to his HEAD. He then DOCKS in an ELABORATE PHALLIC SATELLITE. EXT. ALIEN GHOST CRATER THING. DAY AKI and the RUGGED LEADER are lowered into the EVIL SPIRIT CRATER in a BUBBLE CAR which JAMES WOODS quickly ANNIHILATES with his BIG SPACE GUN. AKI discovers an OCEAN of random BLUE GOO. AKI Sid! I've found Gaia! AUDIENCE Sure, Aki. Any other never-before referenced bullshit? FINAL FANTASY VIDEO GAME FAN Actually, Gaia the name of the Earth’s life-force in the RPG series. And Donald Sutherland’s character’s name – Sid – well that’s a recurring theme, too. But that’s it. AUDIENCE I see. The world suddenly has a gooey blue centre because it done happened in FFXII and that. Then the MONSTER from AKI'S DREAM has a CAMEO and there are some PURPLE LINES. Everything is OKAY for a BIT. Then JAMES WOODS acts the TWAT and makes everything LESS OKAY. Then JAMES WOODS BLOWS UP and everything is a bit more OKAY. Then everything is NOT OKAY AT ALL because AKI says so. RUGGED LEADER I must sacrifice myself to save the world! CRAP AMERICAN DIALOGUE ensues before the RUGGED LEADER PERISHES in the most LUDICROUS way IMAGINABLE. EXT. WHO CARES. NIGHT DONALD SUTHERLAND Whatever it was that was bad that was going to happen has stopped beginning to happen and now everything is fine. DONALD SUTHERLAND celebrates by prancing around in MAGICAL SNOW. AKI ascends from the CRATER with the RUGGED LEADER in her ARMS. There is a BIRD then the FILM ENDS. The AUDIENCE check under their seats for the PLOT before leaving the auditorium with LEWD THOUGHTS about AKI’S BREASTS.
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