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Great Writing - Home > Comedy > Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Abridged)
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Comedy
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| Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Abridged) | |
| By Levi | ||||||
| 03 December 2007 | ||||||
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(ABRIDGED - A spoof script of a bad film.) So here we are at number two. Again, written when the (genuinely awful) film was originally released, it spoils the plot for the movie and contains strong language. EXT. SPACE. NIGHT Levitating TV screens ROTATE and BRIEFLY EXPLAIN the first film that everyone in the AUDIENCE has already SEEN and DISLIKED. INT. HIVE ENTRANCE. DAY The GOVERNMENT MEN from ET arrive and open a large DOOR using TECHNOLOGY. ZOMBIES emerge and everyone PREDICTABLY acts SURPRISED. INT. POLICE STATION. DAY Chubby COPS try to restrain the UNDEAD with HANDCUFFS and POLITE WORDS. JILL walks in and acts VERY UNPROFESSIONAL by SHOOTING UP THE PLACE. COP Jill, you’re crazy! And nothing like your video-game character! JILL I know. Check my bad self. When this nonsense is over, I’m staying out till eleven. EXT. ROAD BLOCK. NIGHT THOUSANDS of PEOPLE struggle to flee the CITY in an ORDERLY SINGLE FILE. ANTOINE We’re sick of this! Everyone go home! I’m going to count to three! Nearly at the front, JILL sighs and acts UNCHARACTERISTICALLY CRASS. JILL Buggering shit-fuck. Well, off to church. EXT. ALLYWAY. NIGHT UNCONVINCING ZOMBIES blurrily shift around the foreground being as SCARY and THREATENING as KITTENS. ARMED GOVERNEMENT AGENTS are occasionally EATEN through their notable LACK of FORESIGHT. INT. CHURCH. NIGHT JILL plus a plethora of CHEESY CHARACTER CLICHÉS point guns around. MILLA JOVOVICH enters STUPIDLY on a MOTORBIKE and gets her MURDER ON. RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE decides it's THE MATRIX for a bit. JILL Who the fuck are you? (seriously) MILLA Sorry, I’m too naked and forgetful to tell you anything right now. Also, have you seen my career? I left it somewhere around the Fifth Element. EXT. STREET. NIGHT Funky BEATS play. A wise-cracking racial stereotype stamps COMIC RELIEF on his forehead then CRASHES his CAR while admiring NAKED DEAD PROSTITUTES. He gets out and has YET MORE GUNS pointed at him. COMIC RELIEF Motherfuck. ARMY CANNON-FODDER Pardon? COMIC RELIEF I said motherfuck, you motherfuck. I’m the funny, see. This language appeals to the kids. Tits. The ONCE-SCARY ABOMINATION from Resident Evil 3 APPEARS and shoots BULLETS from his ELBOWS. Everyone except the annoying COMIC RELIEF guy PERISHES. EXT. CEMETARY. NIGHT Unexplained MIST makes the FILM seem SILLY. JILL and MILLA exchange PLEASANTRIES whilst pointing GUNS at each other. Predictably, ZOMBIES, which are not once REFERRED to by NAME, are PRESENT so the CAST must ELUDE them by QUIETLY LEAVING. EXT. BRIDGE. NIGHT MILLA is DISTRACTED by something unseen owing to an UNEXPLAINED INCREASE in her SPATIAL and SUPERNATURAL AWARENESS. A ROCKET blows SHIT UP. MILLA has a few FLASHBACKS and RANDOMLY decides to fight this FOE with GUNS and her HANDS. MILLA and NEMESIS do FIGHTS. It ENDS by MILLA shooting her way down a WASTE CHUTE and NEMESIS firing ROCKETS and MILLA overturning a SKIP and being SAFE from the ROCKETS in the SKIP. It is as NONSENSICAL as it reads on PAPER. INT. SCHOOL. NIGHT A MORONIC REPORTER is EATEN by CHILDREN and very few people in the AUDIENCE give a SHIT. JILL happens upon a PLOT DEVICE in the form of a DIRE CHILD ACTOR. The BRAT follows JILL’S ill-advised LEAD into DANGER and DOGS are made DEAD. Soon, MILLA arrives to SAVE THE DAY McGyver-style, using FOIL and a CIGARETTE. BRAT To the helicopter depository! EXT. SOME ROOF. NIGHT MILLA MURDERS more PEOPLE with STEALTH, thus winning the HEART of the film’s generic macho LOVE INTEREST. EVERYONE else is promptly CAPTURED. EVIL MAN Milla! You must kill your/our/the Nemesis whom was ironically crafted from your half-baked feaux-husband from the original film. A SERIES of PAINFULLY CONTRIVED FLASHBACKS ensure everyone in the AUDIENCE is on the same TEDIOUS PAGE. MILLA proceeds to KILL the MONSTER. But DOESN’T. MILLA I can’t kill him! I love him! Or feel sorry for him. It’s all the same when you change expression as rarely as me. NEMESIS repays the courtesy by SHOOTING more THINGS. MILLA does some ROLLY POLIES and REINACTS various SCENES from the GAME’S FMV. INT. HELICOPTER. DAWN The SIX or SEVEN lead characters ESCAPE while a NUKE destroys the CITY. The HELICOPTER WOBBLES and MILLA is STABBED by ALTRUISM. INT. UNDERGROUND RESEARCH LAB. NIGHT MILLA wakes in the same CONTRIVED and NAKED way she did exactly ONE film AGO. She OPENS her EYES and UTTERS the FILM’S TAGLINE. AGAIN. MILLA MURDERS some more SCIENTICIANS, occasionally with VIOLENCE but at least ONCE with just her EYES. EXT. RESEARCH LAB. NIGHT JILL and the REST arrive looking DAPPER. MILLA is BUNDLED into a CAR where it is OBVIOUSLY REVEALED she is EVIL. The FILM ENDS with the same LACK of CLOSURE as the ORIGINAL. The AUDIENCE has meanwhile LEFT, having felt INSULTED by the SHAMELESS BASTARDISATION of a once-entertaining FRANCHISE.
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