Just an idea nudged into my head by Josie and Woody. Thanks for that. Been awaiting inspiration for quite some time.
It's the first part of something that might be much longer. Interested to know what anyone thinks before I go on. I'm not a fan of first person, present tense narrative - but this is just the opening paragraph. If I go on, much will be made of past tense backstory interlaced with present tense goings on. At the moment, pretty vague - but I don't think it will be pretty.
Phil
The world, so Manny says, is a large and wonderful place; but standing here, it shrinks. Looking at the boarded and fenced house that stands on the corner of Wood Street and York Avenue makes everything that I've become reduce down to the history held within a simple end terrace. Nothing special to most; it wouldn't even merit a second glance to passers by. Yet it has its own gravity. There's a certain magic here where the reality is thin and I have to try hard not to slip through into the past, or worse, step sideways and become a different me. Manny says there's no such thing as magic, but it's real enough. This is where I began, and in all likelihood, where I'll end.
|
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
| Pretty vague indeed, but nevertheless well written and painting a clear image of the setting. Interested to read more. |
Gotta ...
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
....be in it to win it .... or ....
nothing venture nothing win ...
All those encouraging sounds from me to you
Now the toe is in the water -- go for the plunge !!!
patterjack |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
There's plenty to hook the reader into the story here. I get the feeling there'll be more backstory than present tense narrative. Should work well.
Ben |
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
my humble opinion Phil
too many me(s) in the paraghraph
I personally want to be taken into the person's head and the mes somehow break the flow and prevent that from happening as far as I am conerned
Hope this makes sense
wt |
Test: Successful!
Written by Henry (57 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
So, there is Manny, there is „I“, there is a house which appears to be the setting for the backstory (flashbacks?), are we going to get a SHIFT technique? Yes, there is magic, Manny is wrong, and maybe there will be some magic in this story. There is a time span ('where I began ... where I'll end').
All that in 130 words. Can you keep this going?
Good luck!
Henry.
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
Thanks for reading and commenting. wt, good point, and one I'd completely missed. Removed all but one 'me.' Hopefully a little better. Seems so to me. Thanks.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
It certainly fulfils the main criteia for openings; creating curiosity,next, of course, comes creating concern and I think that would come easily with what you have set up.
I did think that second sentence read a little awkwardly when it got to "I've become reduce down to the history "
It was the word reduce. [could be just me]
I liked the way you started in contemplative mood with the description and the pulled us up short with the mention of magic, gravity and reality. A really well judged opening. It promises so much. But this time,Phil, I'm not going to let you get away with teasing us with these tasters; this time you're going to continue. Throw a sickie and get writing.
And give it a name, that would help
Jane |
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 3rd December 2007 |
I agree with the others that it is a very tempting beginning, and I do hope you will carry on with it. Immediately, I want to know who Manny is. Is it an abreviation for Manuel - or an endearing term for a relative? Or with your touch of magic - maybe a mystical character.
Get to work. |
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 4th December 2007 |
Hello Phil.
You’ve always been honest with me, so I will be honest with you.
What you have here is the germ of an idea, an interesting and intriguing germ but still only a germ.
Whether your narrator heads off to Narnia, Wonderland, or WWII to save his one true love from the Nazi bombs, only time will tell; and I will reserve judgement on the story until it does.
As for the writing?
wt avoided the ‘buddy review’ (I’m assuming that “so Manny tells says” is as a result of you editing out ‘me’, as in “So Manny tells me”) and BBS has also mentioned the curious passage that I picked up on.
“Makes everything that I've become reduce down to the history held within a simple end terrace”.
I’m guessing that what your narrator is trying to express here is that there is now no more to him as an individual than what is contained within the walls of the house?
Sort of: ‘My entire life’s history is no more than the fragile memories contained within those four stone walls.’
However, at the moment it makes it sound as if the house is some sort of Tardis. Although, that may be your intention, in which case I shall now slide off with my head bowed in disgrace.
Just my opinion (but at least it’s honest!) And I eagerly await the main story, to see how it develops.
All the best,
Steve.
P.S. Jean. ‘Immediately, I want to know who Manny is.’ He is just the narrators friend, dear, and you should be more interested in who the narrator is!!
|
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 4th December 2007 |
This is indeed an intriguing opening with so many possibilities. I like the contemplative feel of it, the hard thing now of course is to expand upon it and keep that same narrative voice. I have started many pieces where I have nearly wet myself (ok a bit over the top perhaps)with what I think is a wonderfully evocative opening only to run out of steam a page or two later. I wish you luck with this Phil, I liked the style and I look forward to seeing where you go with it.
Just caught my eye: The world so Manny tells says,?
re the `reduce` line, maybe it would read better:`Looking at the boarded and fenced house that stands on the corner of Wood Street and York Ave, everything seems reduced down to the history held within that simple end terrace`.
OK as Jane would say `I`ll just get my coat`.
Good luck with it
Roger |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
| Yes, a reflective opening, leaves the story open to many possibilities. I take it that the narrator has always lived in that house and has all of his memories associated with it? |
Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Well I want to read on! The 'house' setting gives it a claustrophobic, dark feel that is very intriguing.
Typo in the fisrt line: "The world, so Manny tells says" - does he tell or say?!
Look forward to more. |
See your talents....
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Phil, you constantly underestimate yourself. For what it is worth I do not think you are a composed prose writer. You lack the art of aside and vision. Too concerned with telling the story at the expense of expanding the story and laying aside the wry comment.
BUT. I do think you have another way with words. In verse. Therein you seem to be able to conjure up a concise - and often hillarious--picture of random clumsiness and outlandish oafishness . Its a gift. You need to capitalise on it. We only get one chance!!
Slan! |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Thanks Jane, Jean, Steve, Roger, Rui, Leigh and GC. Glad you took the time to read.
Phil |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
