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Poetry
untitled
By ellipinnock
04 December 2007
This is very much a work in progress, it's gone through at least 8 drafts and still isn't finished. Reactions of any kind would be really good even if they're just gut feelings.

He: effervesces over
lunch and latte. Orchestrating
his Punch and Judy show. Edges.
Angles. Planes of light scattering
from skin as concave as the teaspoon he waves
in her face. Condiments cannot capture
the 'vivacity' of the brittle
clothes racks marching
across his mind. Neon cherry
lips pouting out
from monochrome prints. Living.
Sculpture. Performance.
Art.
She: a winter afternoon audience
of one. Eyes vacant,
muzzled by dreams
of sheep: indigo-
dyed and woolen-
witted. A parade of lollipops,
blurring kaleidoscope sharp.
Trademark head twists, hip flicks, haughty
stares cloned onto toast rack ribs.
Stomach burning, she teeters under the weight of cocoons. Cracking. One
by one. She is retching
up butter-
flies. Flooding
her lungs. Writhing wings that squirm
towards her lips. Fingers
fluttering, she chokes
back gossamer words, flinching
from the mirror-
shattering emptiness sucking
at her out of his iris-
swallowing pupils. Eyes that are
already lacing her into silk
corsetry. Tight
wrenched.
She signs his contract
sightlessly. Designer denim
ink. Stands.
Angular. Canvas-
skinned. Stretched so
taut over easel
bones. Rubbing at indigo
stains blushing her skin.
Overexposed.

Reviews

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 4th December 2007
Elli - For me it's too long and needs breaking into verses - but you know that others will disagree.

Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 4th December 2007
I thought this caught the atmosphere of fashion shows and took them apart quite savagely. You don't have any mercy on the emptiness of the business, do you!

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 4th December 2007
There's an angry power in the words. I did wonder about the individual words, but they do seem to work well on the whole. Thought the last six lines superb. 
 
Phil
Hi Elli
Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 4th December 2007
This again is very powerful and quite angry - and harder for me to understand. I was first thinking it was a picture again that you were describing, but when I read Sue's comment about the fashion show, I reread it, and that certainly seems to work. Some of the images were pretty awful - like the wretching up of the butterflies. But it certainly is an interesting poem.
untitled
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 5th December 2007
- how about "Cat, Walk"?

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 5th December 2007
I see you have chosen the same He/She structure as in the last poem. I think it gives the poem and added depth and vision. Some of the metaphors worked better than others. There were some wonderfully vivid images and you managed to give hint of their relationship and the powerbase. 
I found some of the line breaks bewildering but that is poetic style and I'm out of my depth with that 
cheers 
jane
P.S
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 5th December 2007
As Sue has suggested a title how about something on the lines of Fashion Facsim

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