I had (another) bad journey into work today. I composed this sitting on the floor of the cattle truck.
I am not actually advocating the summary execution of commuters with no manners. I merely suggest that the option be considered in any debate on the subject.
I think the metre scans better in this attempt, as I heard the beat of the revolutionary snare as I wrote it.
Waiting on the platform for the seven twenty-four;
Standing at the spot I know where stops the carriage door;
You dare step in front the line and disregard us all.
Come the revolution you’ll be first against the wall.
Pushing past commuters in your rush to get a seat,
Elbows, knees, umbrella used to competition beat.
Sitting in the seat reserved for those who use a cane.
Come the revolution you’ll be on your feet again.
Switching on your iPod with the volume turned full on.
Sibilant loud rhythms through the trip go on and on.
Can’t make out the music but I can’t ignore the beat.
Come the revolution none will hear your plaintive bleat.
Resting wet and dirty shoes upon the facing seat,
Leaving an impression that is more than just a cleat.
Never mind that some of us must look smart when we work.
Come the revolution we’ll be coming for you, jerk.
When you’ve got your just deserts, you’re standing at the gate.
There’s the sign that says, ‘no demons yet are free, please wait.’
Will you push and shove your way the waiting queue to best?
Come the revolution you’ll be damned before the rest!
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Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Aren't such people a pain? I hate it when they won't even let you get out of the train, standing there right in front of the doors and not giving people even the space to get off. Don't they get it that in order for them to get in, the other people have to get out first? More than once I have wondered what it would be like to rush through such a wall of anti-social idiots like an American-football player.
I must admit I often share the feelings expressed here, yet on the other hand once one would start out on that path, there is big trouble ahead. I bet the French were very eager to get rid of any anti-social people in 1789, but we know what became of their revolution... |
Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
I'm not sure the French succeeded in ridding themselves of all the anti-social garlic munchers.
Enjoyed this. Two weeks ago I spent an unpleasant early Wednesday morning travelling into Manchester with my back (worryingly) pressed against aging sliding doors and an elderly gents brief case pressed into my groin.
Can't think how people put up with that every day without resorting to violence.
Phil |
Here's your answer ........
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Phil, I escaped from Stalag Luft London some time ago [got time off for good behaviour, too!! ]
This picture says it all (hope the link works .........!)
http://i11.ebayimg.com/06/i/000/b1/63/df92_2.JPG
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Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 5th December 2007 |
Link not live, but works with a copy and paste if you delete the spaces on the end.
Looks like bliss. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 6th December 2007 |
Humour is always better for the addtion of a bit of bile. I really enjoyed this. I thought it rattled a long well. I liked the way the last line kept altering after the battle cry.
I believe they put poems up in trains and buses now. I think this would be a candidate. It might raise a laugh....or a few murders
cheers
Jane |
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 6th December 2007 |
I can remember way back when I worked in Regent St and had to get the Metro. line to Harrow.
There was a bus strike on and the tube trains were jampacked. It was the time when velcro was all the rage and this poor girl had on a flared skirt with a velcro tape to hold it together.
As she struggled to get out of the train, through the mass of people she, unfortunately, left her skirt behind!
There she was on the platform in tiny white briefs and a very red, horrified, face.
A great cheer went up from all the young men and one of them waved the skirt above his head. I was by the door and managed to snatch the skirt and fling it out before the doors closed.
I've never trusted velcro since! |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 6th December 2007 |
Audrie - This sounds like something from Benny Hill. Snodlander: Your poem was really great. I liked the way it clattered along, as a train would. Your rhythm was great and so was the rhyming, but I noticed one line which seemed to need a bit of attention which was:
There’s the sign that says, ‘no demons yet are free, please wait.’
I think you could easily change this so that you then will score 10/10. ha ha. |
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