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Poetry
PHILOSOPHY 101
By babyJ
08 December 2007


AWAKEN butterfly, gowned of new wing,

for spring has dreamt her suitors of flower;

each in mad embrace of morning’s breath,

each a collective of odorous perfume

whispering across a sleeping pond,

ringed of new grass, capped of morning’s misty

sunlight, peeking through bony fingers of old oak-

carving enigmatic shadows of a weathered wooden fence


FEAR be at rest m’ lady butterfly,

so eager to command new blossoms;

For your wings are swift and crisp,

your heart is strong of common thirst

and time is young this day- it bears no tears


Head in hands staring out a classroom window

Reviews

Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 9th December 2007
Liked the idea of this one. I have to confess, I don't find your style easy on the ear. Hopefully others will disagree - poetry can be such a personal thing. 
 
I did have a problem with 'autistic air' in a previous piece. Again, could just be me - but I really can't see/feel the image. 
 
Phil

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 9th December 2007
Really nice descriptive language, but I feel you've fallen into the trap of concentrating too much on the language and not enough on meaning. The piece seems to lack heart, despite your eloquence. Also found the last line out of place- scrap it.  
I didn't like the capitals at the beginning of the stanzas, and your voice seems a tad pretentious at times. But as I said, there's lots to like in terms of description and imagery.

Written by fellpony (1507 comments posted) 13th December 2007
nice images, but I got hung up counting the number of times you used "of" where I'd have expected "with" ... like, 6 out of 7 instances in the first 8 lines. I think that means you lost my attention. Agree with GK, the last line jars terribly. I would either make the head in hands situation the frame of the piece, or get rid of it.

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