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fragile

By no1butClo

10 December 2007

Welcome comments on any aspect of this. The structure was a last minute thing. I think perhaps I need to change some words to sort out rhythms, see what you think...

The warm light of this dining room
softens not the hardness in your face.

You blur; I blink. Waiters wait, diners
dine, but it seems my lover loves no
more. I feel dangerous, blundering,
a heifer in this china-shop of linen,

candle-flames and untouched champagne.

For one second I see you in red
could throw a tantrum, table
wineglass at your head. It passes and
I shrink beneath the warm light

made harsh by the angle of your
eyes - opaque and unforgiving.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3298 comments posted) 10th December 2007

I found the rhyming a bit out of sync with the structure but I often find structure a bit bewildering.
I liked the second verse. You have a knack for encapsulating quite complex emotions very succinctly.I would have liked to see another line to link
"candle-flames and untouched champagne".
to that verse, though. It needed to belong.
I did think the second line was a bit out of characater for you, not your usual style of expression
cheers
jane

As with BBS
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 10th December 2007

I would say that the grammar of the second line is a no-no-- bit too much in the romantic style

To describe yourself as a heifer is stretching the bull in the china shop image a bit far

Lots of good ideas -- perhaps a bit angsty for my taste , but you are still way ahead of so much on this site .

patterjack -- appreciative

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 11th December 2007

Glad the abve mentioned the second line, as I was unsure. A clever encapsulation of a moment in time/thought. I found the second last verse a little uncomfortable in rhythm as I read. So far out of my comfort zone, I couldn't explain why.

Phil

Written by Talisker (1321 comments posted) 19th December 2007

I agree about the "softens not" - too classical perhaps.

From reading your (excellent) lines one could be forgiven for thinking that Chloe is "unlucky in love".

Or pehaps, your antenna is just more tuned to those awkward moments.

Oli

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