The wooden stairs creaked under her feet. Her steps were careful and slow, for she knew this would be the last time she would walk here. She reached the landing and looked at the mat in front of his door. "Welcome" it said, but she knew the message she carried wasn't welcome.
She turned the key in the lock and opened the door. The room was dim and gloomy, but the girl did not bother to turn on the light. She walked to the table and laid the envelope down upon it.
For an instant she hesitated. This was not the way to do it. Yet she couldn't face him. What would she say? She didn't want to see him cry. He was a nice guy, but the magic had disappeared. Somehow he didn't seem like the special guy she thought he was anymore. He was just a man with a nine to five job, without ambition or passion...
She wanted a man with dreams, someone who could sweep her off her feet with romance, someone special, someone who could charm her.
She sighed, pressed a finger against her lip and gently stroked the envelope with it. One last kiss for a guy who did not deserve to lose her this way.
" It's better for both of us", she whispered, " We just don't belong together. You have your quiet life,while I want adventure..."
She turned around and walked back to the front door.
" There is just no magic...", she muttered as she closed the door behind her.
Inside the gloomy room the shadows came to life and out of the darkness a creature appeared. Sheer robes draped around her perfect body, she stepped into the scarce light. Her long thin fingers reached for the envelope and she tore it open. She looked at the lines and smiled.
" I told him not to place his hope on a mortal. Now he can return to our world again. There is a kingdom to reclaim."
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Well paced .........
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 10th December 2007 |
........ and an unexpected twist!
I assume the line: "There is just no magic .... " was intended to be ambiguous .......... it was certainly effective!
You post this in "Short Stories" - have you considered using it as the opening of something longer, perhaps a full-length horror/scifi/fantasy story? |
HI Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 11th December 2007 |
I too liked the twist at the end. I was really not liking this girl for taking such a cowardly way out of a relationship, but now she doesn't really count in the end,
Do you know the song, Tell Me on A Sunday, Please - one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musicals - Song and Dance?
It's all about the right way of breaking off a relationship.
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Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 11th December 2007 |
A well written piece which could develop into a much longer one, although it does say an awful lot as it is.
No signals to the twist at the end which was very good.
Lizzy |
Written by Levi (31 comments posted) 11th December 2007 |
Ther're a number of reasons I like this - besides the whole doomed romance / otherworldy aspect which is always a powerful combination - but mainly because you've managed to create an engaging and emotional story in a single climactic scene. Through the characterisation of the female character it's easy to imagine the whole narrative leading to this point - the begininnings and progressive turmoils of their relationship - but you've proved such exposition isn't needed. And I don't see the final line as a 'twist' but far more as a sombre reminder of how much each of the two are losing. Overall, it's a great idea and executed really well.
Jon |
Written by Anberlin (5 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
effective with a nice twist...definitely could be the beginning of a longer piece of work, but i like the 'short and sweet' feel to this.
well done
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Written by Snodlander (507 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
| With the others (though I did suspect he was more than the 9-5 guy she accused him of). A nice piece of flash fiction. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
Thanks everyone. Gosh, I am addicted to GW I guess. Had trouble logging in yesterday and it was really frustrating!
I'm very glad you all liked it and I didn't give away the end  |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
Not usually a fan of Fantasy/horror etc but I enjoyed this little tale Fled. Difficult to encapsulate everything into a piece of Flash fiction but you managed admirably.
Roger. |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
Yep, with the above. Well crafted piece of flash. The perspective offerec at the end adds a lot to this.
Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |
Thanks Roger and Phil,
Nice such a short story seems to work well |
Wwll, well, well!
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 14th December 2007 |
| Mr Boring 9 to 5 wasn't so boring after all. I assume he was an alien or was he a ghost? Well written. You kept us believing he was just a boring man all along. I certainly liked your story. |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 14th December 2007 |
A lot accomplished in so short a write, Fledermaus. The intrigue is in both the backstory and in the possibility of further development - A Pushme Pullyou sort of tale. Well done with this.
hm |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 14th December 2007 |
Thanks Josie and hutmaster.
I don't know what he was. I intended a deity, though on second thought, he could just as well be a vampire or indeed an alien or a ghost |
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