Jean Day's tale of her Primary School experiences mirrored the sentiments in this old poem of mine.
The Magdelene Sisters may they burn in Hell.
Four young girls had babies,
to their families' eternal dismay.
So the families turned to the church,
which then snatched the babies away.
They also took the four children
and placed them in a home.
Where they would learn to be good Christians,
and not let their feelings roam.
The treatment the girls received was barbaric,
Just unspeakable sadistic cruelty,
Surely this was not what Jesus meant when he said-
Suffer little children to come unto me".
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Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 3rd October 2005 |
Hi Brian
I think your poem is very powerful. As a Catholic I must admit that I find an awful lot of what is done, or has been done in the past by the representatives of the Catholic Church is unbelievably unChristian and almost inhuman. One wonders how they can get it so wrong.
Jean |
Written by Missinginaction (37 comments posted) 9th October 2005 |
The last stanza is lame compared with the rest - the netre's way out and the rhyme's gone walkabout. The first two were fair but the rhymes were forced. Thanks for the read.
- Missing |
Which of the two
Written by BrianRobertNeal (1195 comments posted) 9th October 2005 |
do I listen to.
A man hear's what he wants to hear
and disregards the rest.
Thanks for your comments. |
Written by Missinginaction (37 comments posted) 11th October 2005 |
Sorry, Brian I should elaborate: Jean was talking about the content and I about the form. I agree with her comments about the content. Powerful stuff.
I tend to concentrate on the form as it tends to affect the content so much, in fact some think they are so interwoven as to be one.
What I meant was this: the first two stanzas are regular with four stresses per line. The third stanza has lines of varying stress which seem at odds not only with rest but with each other.
I always read every poem out loud twice - that's the way to check the aural flow and if rhyme is used to check the metrical stability as well. (Sorry about the typo in the original comment, netre should read metre). I also felt that rhyming cruelty with me was pushing things.
As for the forced rhyme, there's a lot of it about, look around, there's loads of it, but it doesn't have to be that way: most of the forcing comes from end-stopping every line rather than using enjambement every so often to smooth out the flow and make the rhymes less obtrusive, less of the driving force .
If you end one of your sentences in the middle of a line and then start a new one that overlaps into the next line, the rhyme, even though it's still at the end of the line somehow becomes much more subtle and powerful in its own right: it doesn't seem to slap the reader in a predictable way but is still in there showing the underlying structure smoothly.
From Shakespeare on, enjambement has often been the route taken by poets. Auden's a good example. If you have a quick look at your favourite poets you'll see plenty. Most end-stopped poetry tends to be humorous - Hilaire Belloc et al., limericks etc. which is not the effect you wanted.
I hope this makes sense. |
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
There's a great Joni Mitchell tune called "The Magdalene Laundries" - you might like it.
:-) |
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