I'm not a big fan of rhyming poetry, but I thought I'd give it a shot as a challenge. These are some of my favorite memories of the house I grew up in- an old four-acre farm from the 1700's on a pond. The old barn was especially beautiful. Sadly, we had to move, but I wanted to memorialize the place that has left a lasting effect on me as a person. As you may have noticed, history has always been a big factor in my life, and it finds its way into my writing frequently.
I'd love to get some suggestions about the last line in the second stanza- I don't like it and if anyone had any better ideas I'd love to hear them. Thanks!
*** I had copied and pasted this out of an email, so I apologize for the previous formatting errors. I ended up simply re-typing it, so hopefully it will behave from now on. Thanks again,
Amelia
Four acres of crabgrass, of locusts, of stone
On a pitted old roadway, patched and sloped
Between scrubby pear trees that bloomed in white lace
Edged in by stone walls where ivy vines groped
Four acres of sunlight, slanting and golden
Illuminate dust on the barn's ancient beams
Light up the webs in the old bubbled windows
Those gossamer shreds are time's silken seams
Four acres of years, nor'easters, and whales
Fishermen, farmers, no name or a face
Just fingerprints left in the horse-hair plaster
And stone cellars held in the lichen's embrace
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Whatever is wrong ...
Written by patterjack (1194 comments posted) 11th December 2007 | ... with your trying your hand at rhyme? You do a pretty good job !
I believe that you should rely on your own inspiration to correct lines -- it is your poem after all and you obviously have the talent to do it . Put it aside and let it simmer awhile and changes will come to you subconsciously I'll bet .
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 11th December 2007 | Liked this Amelia. What impresses the most is how you convey your strong connection and attachment to the place through pure description.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3352 comments posted) 11th December 2007 | I got the feeling you were rather ambivalent about this. You mention stanzas and yet you run all the lines together to disguise them. I got the impession you were trying to tell us "I know it's rhyming poetry but it's still art"
I like poetry with rhyme and rhythm; at the very least it shows a mix of art and craft. It can add so many other things, like the subtlety of irony and emphasis. It can give the work a narrative pull. And don't forget Robert Frost who said "Writing blank verse is like playing tennis with the net down"
I thought it was a very evocative piece of work, really putting the reader there.
Jane |
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 12th December 2007 | Nice poem. Very well described and rhyme is a nice extra  |
Written by Phil (6719 comments posted) 12th December 2007 | Amelia: something has gone badly wrong with the formatting of this. One long line that flies right off the screen. Could, I guess, be my browser - but it's not doing it with anything else. You may want to put some line breaks in. A shame to leave it like this.
Phil. | Hello
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 12th December 2007 | | I think you have done extremely well with this poem Amelia, and you have attracted reviewers that I, as a regular writer of rhymingj poetry never get to review mine. So well done! I have tried hard to change the last line of the second verse for you, but you are limited with what rhymes with beam. Sometimes you can change the word to another which means the same: eg rafter - but, there again, unless you can speak of laughter, there's not much there either. I quite like the line you have chosen. The only thing I could say to improve your poem is: Do the verses in single line spacing, and indent three spaces on the rhyming lines. (I used to teach typing). I think this would make your good poem look very professional. I'd appreciate your review of some of my rhyming poetry as I find it hard too. | Just read your poem
Written by babyJ (3 comments posted) 12th December 2007 |  Rhymes. Always hard to do, in that they can sound trite or forced or obvious. If I have rhymes in my work it's usually by accident, as I don't really care for it much. Excellent descriptions of places I have seen that are similar in nature. I really love the first stanza, it brought back memories of a childhood long ago. I do not, however, tell writer's what lines to use or write for them; it is the nature of the poet to create a work of art that is never really finished, only abandoned at some point, to the fate of the world! Great read, Amelia.
C. E. McMullin |
Written by fellpony (1608 comments posted) 13th December 2007 | Rhyme has its uses, and for a beginner effort this is very good. Only when you've learnt how poetry works, by exploring many techniques, can you choose intelligently which technique to use to express your ideas.
I in fact liked the "silken seams" idea at the end of stanza 2. Even if it was made necessary by your choice of rhyme, it still made me stop and re-read; it is an unusual image and one that provokes more thought. One word I'd pick out as somewhat trite is "years" at the start of stanza 3. As PJ says though, read it through and your own subconscious will find the bumps and tell you how to smooth them out. | Amelia
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 13th December 2007 | I loved the evocative feel of this poem and I, too, thought the 'silken seams' okay.
As patterjack says, put it away, But only IF you are not happy with it. Like a painting, you have to put it away and then come back to it with fresh eyes.
However, I don't really think it needs altering. |
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