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| Squaring the circle | |
| By Snodlander | ||||||||||||||
| 12 December 2007 | ||||||||||||||
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Me in cynical mood again Mars, Father of Rome, God of Spring, God of War, Consort of Rhea Sylvia, Father of Bellona, Avenger, nodded his head in greeting. "Watchya, Janus. How's it hanging?" Janus, Custodian of the Universe, Keyholder, Twin-faced Gatekeeper, the Beginning and the End, nodded back. "Alright, Mars? Can't complain. You know how it is. You?" "Not too bad," responded Mars, Father etc. The two looked around, as if to find something interesting to capture their attention, as two men always do when their acquaintance is too casual for spontaneous conversation. Mars looked at the flags flapping in the night air. He liked flags. Janus, Custodian and so on, blew on his hands. "A bit parky tonight, innit?" Mars tucked his hands under his armpits and stamped his feet. "You're telling me. Brass monkeys, or what?" They shuffled closer to the imposing building behind them, out of the way of the wind. There was an awkward pause, as both gods tried to think of something else equally as riveting to say to each other. "Expect you've been run off your feet," said Janus. "What with everything going on at the moment." Mars pulled a face. "You'd think, wouldn't you? But no, not really. Oh, I mean, I'm keeping busy, right enough, but frankly, it's all small scale stuff. A coup here, a riot there. Real penny-ha'penny stuff." Janus raised all four eyebrows in surprise. "Really? You surprise me. What about the Middle East and everything?" "Middle East? Middle East? Don't talk to me about the bloody Middle East. Decades, bloody decades I've been setting up the Middle East, building the tension, stocking up arms, stoking the flames. Then what do the ungrateful bastards do? They go and start a bloody war all by themselves, without any by-your-leave from me. And now, it's reached critical mass. It's burning all by itself. I think, 'I'll just nip down and fan the flames a bit,' but before I get a chance, some fly-by-night cleric or politician goes and makes it all ten times hotter than I ever could. Bloody amateurs." Janus tutted in sympathy, only glad it wasn't him on the end of Mars' rant. "So you're not even giving it a nudge every now and then?" "Nudge? Nudge? I've washed my hands of it. It's a total bloody disaster. If it was one of mine, you'd have an almighty big war, and then it would end. At a specific hour on a specific day, everyone would know who won and who lost and that would be that. Look at the mess it's in now. Can you tell who's winning? 'Cos I'm stuffed if I can. What sort of way is that to run a war? "Anyway, you don't want to hear my troubles. What are you up to? I didn't expect to see you around this neck of the woods. Oh wait. It's the politicians, isn't it?" Mars pointed to his nose, then the back of his head. He grinned the grin of someone who thinks he is being very funny. Janus nodded. "Oh, yes. Two-faced. Politicians. Because I've got two faces. Very funny," he said, in the tone of voice that said he hadn't found it funny the first hundred times he had heard that joke. "As it happens, I'm here in my capacity as god of beginnings and ends. This treaty they're discussing; I was hoping it would all be sorted by now. All day I've been hanging around this corner. I've been propositioned twice." "So what's it you're here to officiate over? The beginning of a war, or the end?" Janus shook his head. "You know, I haven't the foggiest idea. That's the trouble with this lot. They just talk round and round in circles. How can you have a beginning and an end of a circle? Don't make sense." Mars nodded in agreement. "Yep. And frankly, I've forgotten whether they're declaring war or declaring peace. It's so hard to tell the difference." Janus' stomach rumbled. "Oops. Excuse me. All bloody day, and not so much as a bag of chips. Remember the days when, if we didn't get a stuffed swan, we'd wipe the city off the face of the earth with a volcano?" "Yeah. Those were the days. Can't do that now, of course. Bloody Health and Safety." Mars looked at his watch. "Tell you what. There's a bar over there, let's me and you have a jar or two, and grab something to eat afterwards. I could murder a vindaloo." Janus looked doubtful. "What if they come to a decision while we're there?" Mars draped his arm over Janus' shoulders and started to lead him across the road. "We'll look it up on CNN tomorrow. And honestly, will it make a difference to the body count which way they go?"
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