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Shorts
Wood Street - again
By Phil
12 December 2007
Indulge me further if you will.

Changed the style of this a little and tried out just a small part. (Old in normal type, new in italics. A longer version is available a little lower down the list.) I've never asked for specific advice before, but here goes.

Is it better in past or present tense? Does it need to be more expansive? I quite like the sparse style, but don't know if a fairly long piece would just seem a little unrelenting. Is the dialogue and the supporting reporting clauses natural or stilted? Any other comments welcome.

Phil

The world, so Manny says, is a large and wonderful place; but standing here, it shrinks. Looking at the boarded and fenced house that stands on the corner of Wood Street and York Avenue makes everything that I’ve become focus down to the history held within a simple end terrace. Nothing special to most; it wouldn’t even merit a second glance to passers by. Yet it has its own gravity. There’s a certain magic here where the reality is thin and I have to try hard not to slip through into the past, or worse, step sideways and become a different me. Manny says there’s no such thing as magic, but it’s real enough. This is where I began, and in all likelihood, where I’ll end.


~X~


Waiting at the gate, Michael watched the door for his brother. It was twenty to four and all the other children had long since rushed from the building and disappeared into the surrounding neighbourhood. Some in groups, some in pairs, they’d all rushed off making plans for the weekend. Now, all was quiet around  the Victorian built school adrift in a sea of concrete.

Michael sighed and looked again at the door. Just as he was about to check his old, Timex watch for what seemed like the tenth time, his brother appeared. Head down, shirt untucked and dragging his bag behind him, Charlie walked into the sun towards the gate. With trousers two terms too short and a grey shirt, once white, he shuffled unhurriedly watching the ground in front of him.

‘ ‘Bout time too,’ Michael grunted as Charlie drew level. ‘What’s up?’

Charlie stopped.

‘Nothing. Can we go to the park on the way home?’

‘No, late already. Come on.’

Michael took Charlie’s bag, threw it over his shoulder and set off towards home with Charlie scuffing his feet behind. The streets, now quiet after the earlier explosion of noise and excitement from other children swallowed the boys into miniature, unexplored universes hidden behind closed doors. Having reached the corner they stopped and watched the front door.

‘Quiet,’ Michael said, and pushed Charlie through the gate and down the path.



Michael waits at the gate for his brother to arrive. Three-thirty sees two hundred or so children rush from the building and disappear into the neighbourhood in all directions. Some laughing and shouting, some in pairs and small groups, some making arrangements for meeting later after tea at the ‘rec.’ All though, eagerly homeward bound after a day trapped inside a building constructed in Victorian times, surrounded by concrete and manned by discontented staff.

Michael sighs and guesses the time must be about twenty to four. He spots Charlie slump out of the junior entrance, head down and shuffling towards him. Late afternoon sun lights Charlie from the front showing scuffed shoes, too short trousers and a greying and stained untucked shirt.

‘’Bout time. Come on, we’ll be late,’ says Michael. ‘What’s up?’

Charlie stops by his brother.

‘Nothing. Can we go to the park on the way home?’

‘No. Late already. Come on.’

Michael takes Charlie’s bag, throws it over his shoulder with his own and walks off with Charlie following reluctantly behind him. Streets now quiet, swallow the boys into the miniature universes that exist unknown behind closed doors. They reach the corner and stop at the gate, watching the front door.

‘Quiet,’ Michael says and gently pushes Charlie through towards the front door.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3288 comments posted) 12th December 2007
I've only got a 15 inch screen and the italics don't show up well. I think I preferred the past tense, can't say why it just read better to me. There were some nice descriptive lines, too. 
There wasn't really enough dialogue to say how effective it was. In fact the lack of dialogue was somehow slightly ominous. 
I do feel uneasy about doing this. I don't want to encourage you to obsess too much about openings and tweaking of style this early in the novel 
I want to say, move on with it. Remember the old saying  
 
"Don't get it right get it written" 
 
You can always come back to it later 
jane
Tenses
Written by patterjack (1158 comments posted) 12th December 2007
On a purely personal level , I will overstate by saying I absolutely loathe long stories set in the present tense 
 
Maybe it is because I have just staggered through two rather pretentious novels expressed that way and have had a gutful 
 
I quite like your italicised version ! 
 
patterjack
Hi Phil
Written by jean.day (2253 comments posted) 13th December 2007
This is fine. I agree with Jane that you should write and not worry too much over formatting and such like. That can come later.  
 
We are all waiting to know what happened next.

Written by Fledermaus (3229 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Liked the improved version more. It flows better.
Wood Street - again
Written by CadburyCountry (14 comments posted) 13th December 2007
I much preferred the italicised version - it flows well, has atmosphere and holds your attention. Conversely, the past tense version is too 'clinical', lacks atmosphere and I don't get the same feeling of menace - what's behind the front door..? 
 
I loved, too, descriptive touches such as 'With trousers two terms too short' - paints the picture, brilliantly. 
 
I'd like to hear more..!

Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 13th December 2007
I too am waiting to see what happens but think I prefer the past tense. His references to Manny are in the present tense so it provides a good contrast. 
Lizzy

Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Mnnn - The different perspectives are interesting. The past tense here seemed to read off the page a lot easier. 
 
I am not sure whether it needs to be more expansive but it definately needs to be longer. You raise a number of questions in our minds and we don't get them answered. I was hoping for the children description to be analogised with a body of water crashing through the streets - is that what you mean by expansive. 
 
There was an excellent moment of description when you are talking about the past being so thin you worry about slipping back into it - that is quality and I guess must have pleased you when manifesting the words to page. 
 
You create a great voice in the first para but personally feel your narrative changes too drastically when we hit the second. It is almost like looking through different eyes it doesn't make for a comfertable reading experience. Almost like I need that switch contextualised somehow. 
 
So - short of my own personal preferences for descriptions the first posting of this reads better, we just need more of the story. 

Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Thanks all - food for thought. I reckon I have enough to go on now to progress with the story. 
 
Johnie - you are seeing the narrative through different eyes - in a way. 
 
I'll crack on with this now and post on Extended. 
 
Thanks again - just the kind of help I wanted. 
 
Phil

Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Past tense I think Phil. I agree with Johnie here, your first Para gives us perhaps a promise of quite a literary style, ie Booker prize, but then it becomes much lighter in prose and I think it looses something. I think the opening is so good I would try and mould the rest of the narrative voice around that. 
 
Sorry if that has made things more confusing! 
 
Roger

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3288 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Really, Phil I find that hard to believe. The best thing you can do is ignore it all, and bang out 5 chapters and then post them up.

Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Sorry Jane, I'm lost. Find what hard to believe? -Unless you mean my tendency to fizzle out after a sprint start! I do intend to persue this, honest. :grin  
 
Phil

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 17th December 2007
Italics for me, for no better reason than it 'felt' much better than the other version 
 
Good prologue. Loved some of the turns of phrase (thye teacher shing through). The door was full of menace, pregnant, about to birth a drunk or abusive father. 
 
Some other detailed thought, which is purely personal opinion: 
 
everything that I’ve become focus down to the history - had to read that twice to make sense of it. it makes perfect sense, of course, but I found the sense wasn't instant. 
 
There’s a certain magic here where the reality is thin - Terry Pratchett often says something very similar in his fantasy books. Not accusing you of the P word for an instant, but TP readers will pick up that phrase, whether you've read him or not.. 
 
they’d all rushed off making plan - there are those that frown on passice sentences, and would prefer 'they all rushed off'. Me, I'm agnostic on the subject, but many professionals apparantly aren't.

Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 17th December 2007
Thanks Snods. Good points. I have read quite a few Pratchett books, but nicked the phrase from Josie really - unless it was there subconsciously. 
 
Phil.

Written by AnneStuart (11 comments posted) 31st December 2007
Thank you.  
 
I preferred the italic version - full of life. Lots of promises in this beginning that I am sure you will fulfil.
Past tense
Written by ianhobsonuk (158 comments posted) 4th January 2008
I always prefer the past tense, but I wish you would finish this thing, I’m waiting to see if you tell us who Manny is. 
 
Ian

Written by Phil (6629 comments posted) 4th January 2008
Thanks, Ian. I'm working on it. Providing real life doesn't get in the way too much, it should be finished pretty soon. 
 
Phil.

Written by Josie (2720 comments posted) 6th January 2008
Little things as I re-read the second version: I think you should say that he waited at the school gate, to set the scene in people's minds. "rushed off" in two lines. Why not use the word "scurried home" etc. "adrift in a sea of concrete" - didn't like this. A Victorian building is solidly built. Walked into the "sunshine" (better). I preferred the story in the past tense. Being a poet, I like condensed stories, but stories using all the senses. Was it winter sunshine - warm summer sunshine? Just little things Phil. You could use italics for childhood and the other for present, but I don't think it is necessary. You only need two turnups between paragraphs - not two and one for type, (ie one space). (Always the typing teacher, ha ha).

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