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By no1butClo
13 December 2007
Do I need more of a connection between the first and second stanzas? Is it a load of rubbish brought on by so many long train journeys? Should I just give up and start writing proper poems? only YOU can say... so help!

The twilight was luminous
then swallowed in shadows
and sitting on a bench I watch
the platform turn to gold.

The beating in my body won't
slow down to keep time with
the throb of a name in my head,
and it's footsteps; heel-toe 

heel-toe they inch towards me
and a place in my heart where I must
have made room. At the station
with a name and the trains

in my ears, I feel the footsteps stop.

Reviews
Stanza 2
Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Any discontinuity is emphasised within that stanza itself , I feel. 
 
I also think the last part of your introduction was a bit pointless -- especially that reference to proper poems.  
 
patterjack

Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 13th December 2007
I have to confess, I found this a difficult one, Clo. Both in terms of flow and communication. Thought the first very effective and had no problem one going through to two. Even though second and third are clearly linked, it was there I began to lose my way. I get what you're saying, but I don't see why. Could, of course, be me. (again) 
 
Probably not a great deal of help - but the best I can do - and I did think hard - honest.
proper
Written by mightymoose (4 comments posted) 13th December 2007
Proper is just what comes. I agree with patterjack on that thought.  
I've read much of your work and while this is not one of your best, it is meaningful to you I suppose.

Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 19th December 2007
Stanza two stumbles a bit.  
 
I think train journeys can be fertile time for poetry. This one is perhaps a little self-indulgent perhaps.  
 
Still nice words though... 
 
Oli

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