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Private Hare
By mggpanda
17 December 2007

I wrote this last year for a Short Story Contest in school, and it won First Place!Cool

Private Hare is a first person narrative story about a teenage hare that works part-time as a private detective. She and her partner Xochy the rabbit have their first call to action in this story, and since it's their first official case, you may not expect a lot of forshadowing and clues.

This story is meant to be funny and interesting, so I'm open to any suggestions or (constructive) criticism. Sorry if it has a mistake or two, I'm not that good in english...




Coming Soon: Private Hare 2: Sounds like a movie, huh?


Copyright MGG Productions


Private Hare
 
 I’m Private Hare, the best detective in town—and the only one as well.
 I was in my small dusty office, waiting for a case, when the door opened, it was Xochy the rabbit, my partner.
 “Hi”, she said, she was wearing a light pink dress and white shoes.
 “Do you have any case?” I asked, hopefully.
 “No”, she said, giving a small, sad smile, “but there’s a cocktail party in the Giggledoe Hotel…Let’s go please...”
 “I don’t know…hey, wait a sec, you are allergic to cocktail!” But then she made the cutest face in the world. Her eyes where big and shiny, and I just couldn’t say “no” to that face. “O.K., let’s go”, I said finally.
 
 Hotel Giggledoe, or—as it says on it’s towels—Giggledoe Hotel, was enormous. It had like 20 floors; an enormous pool shaped as a bird, and was almost entirely made out of gold. When we entered, Xochy rushed to the cupcake table where her friend Rakoon the raccoon was waiting for her. I went to drink some punch balancing on my fancy high heels.
 In the punch (yes, IN, not by one side or under it, IN the sweet pink liquid) I saw an envelope with the letters PH printed in large. I opened it and read the note. It said:
 
I’ve heard good things about you, and require your detective services. I’ll pay handsomely. There’s a vegetarian restaurant in front of this hotel, go there immediately! If there are mushrooms on the salad, go to the apartment #12 in the Brightdool building, there I’ll explain it all to you.
 
        The night panther
 
 I sighed. Then I looked at the note and sighed again. I hate “Go-to-someplace-clients”. Why don’t they only tell me what’s going on? For example this dumb note:
 
- Why do I have to go to the dumb vegetarian restaurant only to discover whether or not to go to another place equally dumb?
- Why do I have to ask for salad even though I don’t like salad dressing? (and in that restaurant you don’t decide what to put in your salad, trust me) An above all:
- THE NIGHT PANTER!? What is this? A MARVEL comic? I don’t think so.
 
 However, I told Xochy to go to Rakoon’s house while I investigated. I went to the vegetarian restaurant called “The Grinning Broccoli”, and then I thought, if the broccoli is grinning, then it’s grinning while green? I laughed, but controlled myself an entered the place. It was all decorated with broccolis smiling widely. The tables where shaped as tomatoes and the chairs as lettuces. I sat in the leafy surface of the chair and ordered a salad. No mushrooms. I went home and slept all night.
 
 The next morning, I went to the apartment #72 in the Brightdool building, only to be sure, and guess what? THERE’S NO APARTMENT #72! The building only has twenty rooms! I was standing in the roof. I was leaving, when my cell phone rang.
 “Private Hare, Private Detective, I’ll make trouble go away”, I said.
 “Why you didn’t get my message? It was in the milk!” a man’s voice said.  “I never drink milk, it’s disgusting”
  “I don’t care about your drink likes! I want you in room twelve this instant!”
 “Room twelve? But the note said seventy two!”
 “The note says twelve! It always has said twelve! And it will always say twelve!”
 “It’s not my fault that you have so bad script!”
 “It’s not my fault that you read so badly! I don’t have time for your complaints! Come to room twelve immediately or I’ll--!” I hung up and sighed. Then I looked at the door and sighed again. I think I am becoming a professional “sigher”. I mean, it’s already annoying that this person leaves notes everywhere expecting me to find them (without mentioning he calls himself “The night panther”), but it’s not any help that he keeps yelling at me all the time.
 
 I went to room #12. It was dirty and plagued with cockroaches. In the middle of the room there was a TV with a shadow speaking.
 “My jewels are stolen; they are special jewels, jewels that can walk. Actually, some can fly, some can dig, some can run and some can swim. I want you to find them. Go to #13 Thirteenth Avenue and find them. I know they are there. They are too slippery to be taken out of my mansion.”
 
 So here I am, in #13 Thirteenth Avenue, another extremely fancy place. The Visepsvig Mansion—as it said on it’s mailbox—was big, large, enormous. It was only two blocks from Giggledoe Hotel, and, like Giggledoe Hotel, it was almost entirely made out of gold. The garden was enormous with all kinds of flowers and plants. In the center, there was a large fountain with precious jewels in the stone. That reminded me of my stupid case. But before I entered the mansion, I wanted to touch that fountain. It was so shiny, so sparky, so beautiful. I touched a ruby and it shined. The fountain moved in a really weird way and revealed a hole on the floor. I called Xochy.
 “Hi, Xochy speaking”, said Xochy, I could hear loud music from the phone.
 “Xochy, come to #13 Thirteenth Avenue and bring the disguise kit, we’ll need it”
 “Alright, weeeee!—“. Xochy came five minutes after we spoke.
 
 “What are we going to do Hare?” Xochy asked.
 She was fused. I knew she was fused because I was sitting on the disguise kit instead of using it properly.
 “Come and get on, trust me”, I said.
 Xochy sat on the disguise kit, she still seemed a little worried, but I didn’t care. And we entered. Inside there was a slippery road like in a roller coaster. We “slipped-slapped-slopped” and fell in another hole. The hole entered to an ice skating show. There was a jewel skating and I chased it into another hole. We made a loop-de-loop and I trapped it, “Gotcha!” CRASH!!! We crashed into an opening elevator. Sometimes elevators can be extremely boring, but as soon as I entered the elevator, I knew where we were.
 
 Giggledoe Hotel had bright pink and gold uniforms. I hate pink. But I had to disguise myself so the enemy won’t recognize me. There—in the twentieth floor—I saw a shadow running. I ran after it. I hate running scenes. You know, that part of a mystery comedy  when everyone is running, and entering rooms, and coming out of them…They are exhausting and pointless, two things that have to be avoided by any cost. However, I did my running scene, and finished it at the same place where I started it—that’s the part I hate the most--.
 
 “It’s the end of the road!” I yelled as I trapped it in a corner, “Because YOU stole the jewels!...Duchess of Winnipeg!!” the shadow seemed to be confused, --and I don’t blame it, running scenes are also very confusing—and said “Hare, I’m Xochy, I found the jewels in the elevator, but you ran…and I think there’s no duchess in Winnipeg” I looked at the hallway and the first shadow was getting away. I felt frustrated, but you know what they say, don’t you? Results are what counts.
 
And at last, it’s the
End

Copyright MGG Productions

Reviews

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 17th December 2007
Ola! 
 
Before I say anything about the story, you should sort the formatting out. It looks as though it's been copied from a word processor, but the web site has messed it up. I had to copy it and paste it into Word before i could read it. People are much more likely to read this story if it's easy to look at. 
 
You're right, there are a couple of grammatical errors, but your English is much better than my Spanish. 
 
The thing that struck me most about this story was the imagination. At points it went from strange to surreal (that's meant as a compliment). The other thing was the enthusiasm. I bet you had fun writing this. 
 
You said you're after constructive criticism, so here it is. Personally, I thought the story ended too abruptly. It's true that a lot of tv cop shows you were poking fun at end shortly after the chase scene, but usually there's a wrapping up of all the leads. Who was the night panther? How did the jewells escape? And only one was captured. 
 
If it was a bad story, I'd have wanted it to finsish it as soon as possible, but this ione ended to soon for me. 
 
finally, let me just say, la llama es mas grande que una rana, y mi faro tiene demasiados caballos dentro.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 18th December 2007
Iwould ask you to re-format this so it is easier on the eye.I've tried twice to read it and given up.It's just one block of jumbled text. I'll come back to it later 
Jane

Written by mggpanda (2 comments posted) 19th December 2007
Thanks Snodlander and Bottleblondesurfer, I corrected the formatting errors, I hope it's better this way (it's my first time in GW :x ). 
 
And, about what you pointed out about the end, it's because it's not really the end, in Private Hare 2, more things will be revealed. ;)  
 
Again, thanks for all 
 
MGGpanda
Imagination
Written by BedtimeStoryteller (103 comments posted) 20th December 2007
Yes, you have imagination, but it’s not an easy read – a new paragraph every time a different person speaks would help. Then maybe it would be well received in the kid’s section.

Written by mggpanda (2 comments posted) 20th December 2007
alright, thanks :grin

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