I lost my heart dog, my dog of all dogs just over a week ago to cancer and began writing about him and our incredible bond. I'm devestated by his loss and miss him terribly. My friends have been so supportive and comforting that I wrote this for them.
You, My Friends
You, my friends are my rock when I need holding up,
the wisdom to guide my scattered soul,
When all the rest is in despair,
Softly in a whisper to my prayer
My endless tears take little pause,
no place to take a rest,
But you, my friends who know no bounds,
The vessel you hold will quiet the sound,
The sound of darkness, that’s the one,
That screams so silently,
That wracks and shudders and chips away,
One’s fair identity
Lo, ‘twill halt and fall away,
That ever searing sound,
The sun will warm and dry my tears,
For you are all around.
You, my friends are my rock,
Strong and sure and true,
No one could see a better end,
Than one I know with you.
Written by: Carrie
©All Rights Reserved
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You, my friends
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 20th December 2007 | I loved it. Very nice piece, full of sincerity and it flows well. The poem concludes nicely too.
ps. Was it your intention to post 2 poems ?
Best regards
embro | You, my friends
Written by fellpony (1702 comments posted) 20th December 2007 | fair attempt to praise camaraderie; a subject that is praiseworthy, but hard to say anything new about.
poeticisms ("Lo, 'twill halt") distance the reader: try to find another and less self conscious method of communicating your meaning.
You have made an attempt to use metrical and rhyming stanzas; but it's rather inconsistent, a bit ragged and uncertain, isn't it? Do you try to read your work aloud to find out if it flows easily? | go to bed
Written by fellpony (1702 comments posted) 20th December 2007 | I had to read this a couple of times to make sure I understood you are using "go to bed" as a metaphor for "euthanasia". Again, death is a subject about which a great deal has been written (you probably know "The Rainbow Bridge" story so often shared by animal lovers when a pet dies). The content for some reason sounds thin, as though you're writing it to convince yourself. (Sorry if that appears unkind. I am not criticising the content, but the writing.)
Similar remarks apply to this poem as to the other - it's uneven metrically, though you have used more rhyme; "a watching" is a poeticism, used only to try to make the metre work evenly, so perhaps you need to re-think. I thought a good many of the rhymes were just words used to make a rhyme, and not really using the rhyme for a purpose bound up with the poem.
You might find it easier, when working out a poem, to let it flow and not try to conform to a structure at first. Leave out repetitions and unnecessary words, focus on telling details, and see what appears. |
Written by Carrie (16 comments posted) 20th December 2007 | Yes, I do read my stuff aloud. And although sometimes I make the rhythm varied, I do use eighth notes and rests as in music, to catch up or make the rhythm fit when I read aloud. For example, 4 beats per measure, where the quarter note gets one beat.
My major was music, I'm a fairly accomplished pianist and singer....so I do understand rhythm. But maybe it is not written in a way that others can fall into that easy, non-beaty rhythm. In this poem, it was meant to be more elastic, not entirely repititious. So, you think that it should be more regular....each line or each stanza? I am not by any means a seasoned writer, as you are finding out. LOL.
Lo is like look and then I go on using that old-time contraction for it will. But if you think it scares off a reader, perhaps I should re-consider it's use. My original thought in writing that was that it was more melodious sounding to me. But you're right, it may be contrived sounding.
I got messed up and posted two poems in the same place, so moved Go To Bed to it's own spot. There, I explained a little on my reasoning.
I appreciate your comments and will definitely digest what you've pointed out and see what I can do in the future. Thank you very much Fellpony.
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