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Poetry
Skinfield
By dylangrrl
27 September 2005
I am trying to get back into writing after a post-college hiatus and am looking for any feedback. Thank you.

SKINFIELD

There is a place on her ceiling

That looks like a door plastered over

And it is there that I focus

When I am dissolving

 

I imagine there are fields beyond

That door made of her skin

And flowers that turn to watch me

With her blue eyes

 

There are hills and valleys like the cleft

Between her nose and lips

And mountains like the

Spine at the base of her neck

 

There is also a river of creamy

White water that laps against

Her skinfield and it is

There that I wash when I open my eyes.

Reviews

Written by Missinginaction (37 comments posted) 9th October 2005
Good! Some original lines and imagery. Good beginning and ending. Stanza three seems weaker than the rest, but overall this is a good effort. Well done! Thanks for the read.  
 
- Missing

Written by Raindog (6 comments posted) 14th October 2005
I enjoyed this. You have successfully created a snapshot of time by your use of unusual imagery. The 'skinfield' concept works well. The second line seems clunky to me but otherwise a pleasure to read.

Written by Magpie (11 comments posted) 14th October 2005
Yes, very good. Like the imagery, though at times I found it a little oblique. You obviously have a strong command of language and, just as important, plenty of confidence in your own vision. 
 
Constructive criticism? I've tried to read the poem aloud and I think the rhythm doesn't quite work in the first stanza. I think it's because the first two lines have a similar rhythm which leads you to expect a very regular metre, and then the third line goes off in a completely different metrical direction. In fact, I think that third line sticks out a bit altogether as it lacks the sensuality that you get into every other line of the poem. 
 
But that's detail. Hope you keep to the return to writing. 
 

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