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Poetry
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Winter Evening
By jillrabbit
23 December 2007
Inspired by my trip to the coal bunker last night

One coal-black cat sits still upon the fence
A silhouette against the window's light
Twisting swiftly, jumps to the ground.
Frosty footprints pad home,
Into warmth and out of sight.

Thick hoar-frost crunches boldly on the lawn
As misty trails cling gently round the trees
Where branches stretch to stroke the fabric of the fog
A pale, translucent moon arises,
Lighting icy surfaces with ease.

A blackbird ventures out into the field
Dark imprint moving fast across the white.
A hooting owl calls, echoed by its mate
An almost silent swish of feathers
Disappearing in the swirl of night.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 23rd December 2007
Liked the first, very unpretentious and takes the reader straight there and starts us on our journey to the coal bunker and back - which you don't really finish. A little more 'poetic' in the second, which takes away that esaily felt domestic atmosphere and makes it slightly remote. I'd have liked to see you return to the house, much like the cat, in the third. 
 
Just a reaction, others will likely see it differently. 
 
Phil

Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 23rd December 2007
I love the ideas and imagery in this, jr. It bristles with the busyness of a winter's nightscape. Were it mine I'd tighten it here and there to 'silhouette' the small creatures' activity. 
eg I'd substitute 'jumps' for jumping and 'pad home - into warmth and out of sight'. Something along those lines. 
It is a super piece and I think it might benefit from such small trimmings. 
Whatever you decide it makes for a good read. 
 
hm

Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 23rd December 2007
Thanks Phil and hm. 
 
Like the idea of returning to the house. I'll work on it. 
 
I think you are right hm; your suggestions do improve the piece. 
 
Can you edit pieces? I've never tried to do that. 
 
jr

Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 23rd December 2007
It's ok, I've figured out the editing thing.

Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 24th December 2007
Lovely evocative poem, well done, JR. (Were you ever in Dallas?) 
 
Sorry about that! Slap on the wrist! 
 
You painted the picture so well. I didn't see the original but this is great. I think Phil is right, an extra verse about going back from the frosty night into the warmth of a blazing fire.
Happy Christmas
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 24th December 2007
Haopy Christmas Jill. I liked the cold picture that you painted. I thought you did it very well. Where do you live?

Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 24th December 2007
Thanks audrie, I'm going to try another verse at some point over the holidays. 
 
Happy Christmas , Josie. 
 
I don't live anywhere exotic, just Aylesbury! It was very cold the other night as well as being a full moon and foggy. Made a very odd scene. Used to live in the Pennines; now that was cold!

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