Possible intro to first chapter of a novel about the transport industry in 19th century England.
He braced his feet against the
footboard of the mail-coach, and carefully took up the reins to
thread them between the fingers of his left hand. Left lead rein
over the forefinger. Right lead and left wheel rein between
forefinger and middle. Right wheel rein between middle and ring
finger. He played with the rein lengths until
they felt even.
“Whoa team,” he murmured as the spirited lead-horses danced against the ostlers’ restraining hands.
Gently he felt for the rough blackthorn
stock of his whip, and brought it into balance, right hand fingers
poised to play the reins that were held, taut as fiddle-strings, in
his left. The passengers would already be squeezed inside the coach,
or wrapped firmly in their greatcoats on the top, while the precious
letters and packages were secure in the boot under the watchful eye
of the guard.
“Stand away,” he said to the
ostlers.
He had the best team on the road, four
matched bay thoroughbreds. The team shoved their weight into the
collars and the loaded coach lurched and rumbled forward over the
cobbles of the inn yard. One of the ostlers would walk with them to
the archway to warn the passers-by as the team pranced out into the
street. Eager as they were now, newly out of their stalls, a team
could make the turn too fast. Tired at the end of a stage, they would
lurch through the change of direction as they scented their feed and
rest. You could never drop your vigilance. You had to drive.
He fed the reins through his fingers,
precisely yet firmly, letting the leaders sweep round while he
opposed the wheelers until his hind wheel-hub cleared the rub-stone
at the corner of the wall, cleared it by a good six inches: no
feather-edging for this boy! Down the busy street danced the sixteen
steel-shod hooves, splashing through the spring mud, the iron-hooped
wheels grinding and the guard blowing a brisk, coppery salute to the
morning: you didn’t stand in the way of the Royal Mail. Any minute,
they’d be clear of the town and out onto the open road, and then
he’d open up the team, full tilt for the next ten miles, taking
three tons of loaded coach along at their allotted ten miles an hour
and prepared to drive over anything that crossed his path. He settled
on his box-seat, sure of himself. George Davenport, the coachman of
the Quicksilver, the fastest team on the road.
“George!” The voice pierced his
concentration and he lifted a shoulder, as though trying to block his
ear with the capes of his coat. “GEORGE!”
He sighed. The caped coat vanished,
along with the prancing team. He was just a barefoot lad again, in a
dirty shirt and ragged trousers that had passed from one older
brother to another before they came to him.
“Whoa team,” he murmured
regretfully. He secured the knotted string reins over the fence rail,
hid the blackthorn stick in the grass by the fence and resigned
himself to his mother's wishes.
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Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
Sat down for a break between last minute chores and caught this. Smoothly written. In terms of language use, the only things that stood out for me were: spirited (lead-horses) and precious (letters). As I was reading, they seemed more juvenile than the rest of the passage. When it's revealed at the end that this is a young boy dreaming, perhaps it doesn't matter. The detail given is just right - really helps build the scene, rather than lecture about the details of horse and carriage stuff. You've set a scene here that I'm sure many would be interested to follow. Lots of questions raised already. I'll look out for more. Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3555 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
Hi Sue , I thought I'd better leave a comment now or I'll forget amid the usual seasonal chaos. You obviously know your subject and and this came across well and without any hint of being lectured at,as Phil has said, I think you got the balance just right. There's enough information to set the scene authentically and give us a sense of the time and reassure the reader that what we are reading is accurate. In fact is was so well done and engaging that I was almost disappointed to find it was just a small boys fantasy but it was a great introduction to the boy and told us so much about him, by showing not telling. I think I would like to have seen a few more references to how good and expert the driver was, how everyone recognised his skill. It would have raised a wry smile with the revelation at the end. Kids never do things by havles. Just my own preference; not a crit as I thought it a perfectly judged opening Merry Christmas jane |
Written by Lizzy (827 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
Drew me in straight away, you paint a very graphic picture. Liked the twist at the end, wasn't expecting that. Looking forward to next part. lizzy |
Written by fellpony (1698 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
| Some good points in your responses - thanks for those. Jane is right - the men who drove the fast coaches were the equivalent of Michael Schumacher and Murray Lewis. I must work in some of that adulation - which is of course why George is fantasising about it. |
Detailed Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
I enjoyed the detail in this. George comes across as someone whose imagination and love of his (intended?) profession fits naturally into his life. Hardyesque in its descriptive mix - and that's not a bad thing at all. hm |
Written by bluecity (432 comments posted) 24th December 2007 |
Yes, you gave the game away in the second, third and fourth sentences - the bits in italics. A proper coachman would not have been trying so hard to get the reins right! The detail was excellent. I loved "rough blackthorn stock of his whip" and "until his hind wheel-hub cleared the rub-stone at the corner of the wall..." The reader is made to feel that he/she is THERE, in the action. My only slight criticism would be the use of the colloquial 'd - as in "they’d be clear..." and "then he’d open up the team...". I think you need to use the more formal "would" here. If this is the introduction, I look forward to the real thing! Rosemary |
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