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By hutmaster
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29 December 2007 |
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Set no coins upon the eyes,
the price is paid.
They will squint no more in Sun
or glare stubborn at night skies
to track the falling star.
Close them, if you must,
for your sake.
They've served a lifetime imaging
a lifetime and were stopped to all
light by dark tears
that lensed the world too long.
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Hi HM Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 29th December 2007 | Liked this HM, but the last three lines seemed to me at least not to go as smooth as the rest. maybe just me. Bernie | Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 29th December 2007 | The imperative verbs and subject matter here invite comparison to Auden's Funeral Blues. I think it's the first line in particular that does it. Auden aside, I liked this very much. The repetition in lines 8 and 9 work well in thought, but less well in delivery - could be me. Good stuff. Phil | Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 30th December 2007 | Thank you Bernie. Seems the double 'lifetime' might be the problem. Hi Phil. Good to know that you liked this in spite of the repetition. hm |
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