when she paused at the gate
to smile those heavenly words
which spawned love (later hate)
as keepers breed (to shoot) birds
they were too foolish to know
that love’s curdling breath
is like sun melting snow
and leads to its death
|
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 1st January 2008 |
I think the beginning could use a little bit more, but i find this very intersting. sorry if i can't say much, sometimes it can take some help to understand some things, such as what you have written. it might not be clear to me, but there's still the rest of the world!
liked it, especially the line: As keepers breed (to shoot) birds
-TW |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 1st January 2008 |
Thanks,TW; wrote this some time ago, and can't remember how it came about, but thought that would post something rhyming as my first piece on here; something a little taut. Good of you to say you liked nullas keepers breed (to shoot) birdsnull, which is a strange fact of life. Pete  |
ptv
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 1st January 2008 |
I was impressed with this poem. I loved the irony in it, a sort of 'for each man kills the thing he loves,' way.
Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. |
Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 1st January 2008 |
Good poem. I like rhymes when they are done well, as these are.
A sentiment for the times, I fear.
jr |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 |
It is, as you say, very tight. Nevertheless, the rhymes are subtle enough not to slap the reader round the face. It reads almost like an intellectual exercise. (to me) Not necessarily a thing of beauty, but has interest within.
Phil. |
Furtther replies to critiques
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 |
Thanks, all.
I don't recall at all where the idea for this came from, although it reflects something in my own life. Looking at it on my disc of work, I see that it was v.23 (!) and that it was written/completed in January 2003, over 5 days.
So yes - an intellectual exercise based on personal experience.
PTV |
Hi Pete
Written by jean.day (2359 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I very much enjoyed reading this.
When I read it, before reading the comments, I was pretty sure it was written from a life experience. Somehow it seems so honest and bitter and without hope of love ever surviving. I hope things are better for you now.
|
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| This is a poem which I've read several times and thought a lot about. You get more from it on reflection certainly. This often happens in life because emotions have a habit of changing unfortunately. Your analagy with the keepers of birds and the shooting makes sense to me, but on the other hand we don't always kill the things we love. I liked the last verse. People don't seem to realise that to keep love blooming, they must nurture it. They throw abuse at the one they love and wonder why love shrivels as a flower in the hot sun. I liked this poem very much because it provokes lots of thought. Now - to say something nice to the man in my life ---------- |
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