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By jammycarrot
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01 January 2008 |
Ok, my first piece on here. I used to be a blast member, so I thought I'd start with some pieces that I wrote and put on blast, rather than put some of my new stuff up straight away. Anyway, this one was banned on blast, so only one person has seen it, so I thought I'd start with this one (your not allowed to write in ways that may induce self harm)
Enjoy, and don't forget to tell me what you think!
James |
Perfectly balanced,
On four legs,
On two legs,
Fingers fumble through the knots,
Shaking slightly,
Slipping over entangled fabrics,
Plaited with strength and fear entwined.
You're left facing a circle,
Ongoing, eternally everlasting.
Soon to be cut short.
A swing of the legs,
The chair is gone.
You hang around to kill time... |
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Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 1st January 2008 | | Well, I can see why it was banned! Intriguing verse on an unusual subject. Be interesting to see the reviews of others. |
Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 1st January 2008 | I think it says a lot about the mechanics of suicide but I would have more allusion to the mental state that leads to an act such as this. Then it would be much more powerful as well as shocking.
jr | hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 1st January 2008 | | a decent write on a unusual subject. |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | | Sickening. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | I'm interested by what Jill said, about adding an allusion to a mental state. Normally my poems are on the mental state, which is why i posted this one up first, its a bit more unusual. However, I think it may be a good idea for other poems I have. What exactly did you mean by it? With the exception of a few mass suicides, I can't think of any major cliches or references I could add that would show the mental state?
I would like to add that if you don't like it and can't make any constructive critism as to why, then no-one is forcing you to read this.
Thank you for your comments audrie and maipenrai, can you think of any improvments?
Jam |
Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | I'm partly with Jill on this one. It does describe the mechanics pretty well, but doesn't delve deep enough into mental state. I thought the last line sounded (if not written with such an intention) as a little flip.
I don't think anyone was encouraging you to use any major or minor cliches. I hope to god we don't have another precious poet on our hands. I assume you post here for the benefit of having an audience and receiving some feedback. Well you've had that. Any response is a measure of the writing. If the piece inspires a one word response - then that's the value of the piece to that reader and tells the writer something about the power of his piece. Personally, I don't think it was powerful enough to be sickening, but we all read things differently.
This is a generous and honest community. There are many styles of writers and readers. Treat the place for what it is and all of us can benefit.
BTW: you should write about what you please. I don't know of any piece that's been censored here.
Phil |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | Phil - I did have 2 endings for this one, the one you see above, and this one:
"You hang around to kill more than time"
at the time, I was trying to allow it to be on blast, but do you, or anyone else for that matter feel that would be a better last line?
I am here for feedback/constructive critisms, obviously if I can get them, or any of the stories I've written/am writing published than thats all the better, but i sturggle to envisage that happening any time soon, if at all. I write mainly to talk to myself, if that makes any sense?
Jam |
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