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Final Conquest
By jammycarrot
01 January 2008
Ok, me again. Yet again, I was halfway through this on the blast boards, so its time to start anew on here. I haven't counted words, so will just put up either as much as i feel, or as much as it allows me. Hope you all enjoy it, don't forget to comment. James

......~BEN~......

Ben sat impatiently drumming his fingers on the dining room table, hoping Alexa would get the hint to hurry up. She may have taken it, and choosen to ignore it, just to try and rile him, or she wanted him to knowing how annoying it was, having to wait for someone constantly, her small form of revenge.

Finally, when she realised she could no longer string out her last few mouthfuls anymore, she carefully set her knife and fork down and smiled sweetly at him, saying "Finished."

He looked up at his mother, and understood her nod to mean he could dismiss himself from the table. Quickly, he took his plate, tried, failed and then suceeded in putting his plate on the tray in the dishwasher before hurrying upstairs and sitting himself down in front of the computer.

He heard his mother's sigh of disapproval as she walked across the hall, but didn't care. Why couldn't they see how important this was to him, how happy it made him feel? Why weren't the proud of him? If he attained A's and B's in his GCSE's in a few months time they'd say they were incredibly proud of him, yet hundreds, if not thousands of students would get better marks than him. In this, he was the best. He knew that in truth he sould be getting better results than that, but as the screensaver flickered out and a bluey-green web page swam out of the blackness, he only had one thing on his mind.

To dominate the world.

.......................................
 ................

......~RACHEL~.......

For some reason, I knew it was a monday morning before I even opened my eyes. The air was heavy, depressing, there wasn't that lightness that you get on a saturday or sunday morning. I got up, looked at the clock, and started getting dressed. 7.06am. I had plently of time to get the bus I thought to myself. Only when I realised I was trying to put my legs through my bra did I think that I should actually wake myself up properly. Right on cue, my younger sis decided that what I really needed was a good soaking with freezing water. In she bound and proceeded to throw a beaker full of the stuff all over me, shouting "Wakey Wakey!"

Younger Sis, who's actually called Ashley, had never gathered the concept of sleep, or that people like me didn't like to get up in the morning, especially a monday. I often used to wonder if she got any sleep at all. She was always still up when I went to sleep on a night, and always up on a morning before any of us. I started calling her "Insomy" at one stage, but being the thick 12-year-old that she is, she didn't get it, so it was pointless. Plus Mum didn't like it. I was hopeful she would become a normal teenager when she was 13. If not, God would need to help us all

The water had completely drenched me, and had seeped through all my clothes that I had managed to put on via the right limbs. Now I was completely awake, I felt like going after the little brat and wringing her neck like a wet flannel. But it had taken me so long for my brain to process everything that Ashley was already downstairs being bright and chirpy to Mum. I'd get her later.

A short while later, I was stood at the bus stop, waiting for the 801 to take me to school. I go to Leemby High, which is a fairly small school really, only about 500 pupils there, and it's quite a rural area, so there are no guns or knife problems. I liked it there and I knew that I'd be sad to leave come June. As the rust bucket of the 801 swung around the corner and screeched to a halt on the pavement, I saw Jenny's familiar face at the back window, waggiling it's tounge at me. I looked away, feigning disgust at her childishness. She was still giggling when I sat down next to her. I saw the two boys in front of us staring at her, but they looked away as soon as they saw me looking, one of them giving me a strange stare as he turned back around.
Jenny's usually the one who gets all the attention from "the male of the species" She's tall with light, curly hair; big, dark eyes and a face that was so smooth and young looking that she was still getting away with buying a child's ticket on the bus. Despite being 16 last month. I only got away with it because I had ID, and I wasn't even 16 yet. She's a complete oppisite of me and my long, straight jet black hair and plain eyes, body and chest. I always feel ordinary when I'm with Jen.
I pointed at the pendant on her neck.
"Bit flashy?" I enquired
"Matt" she said simply.
Matt was her on/off boyfriend. They spend as much time apart as they did together. I'd made it the ninth time when Matt had asked her to dinner a couple of weeks ago, but I knew that in a few weeks, they'd have fallen out again. Although I knew they were both crazy about each other, neither of them really wanted to be tied down.
"Any reason?"
"Said he felt like it, to show me he loves me"
And despite the fact she winked and went into another fit of giggles, I felt the strain on her voice when she'd said "love". I could never remember her or Matt saying that to each other, even when they were just saying goodbye on an evening. She didn't feel comfortable saying it. Maybe things were getting serious between them. Maybe things were that bad they were clutching at straws.I made a mental note to have a serious talk with her in private. In the meantime, I hadn't realised that this stupid dialouge in my head had taken me in through the school gates, where all thoughts of Jen and Matt's private life were wiped from my mind in an instant.

Reviews

Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 6th January 2008
anyone want to comment? 
Final Conquest
Written by zmbbw (21 comments posted) 6th January 2008
I'm not the greatest at reviewing but my observation would be this.  
 
With most books you read, there's a hook in the first 500 words or so that gets the reader interested. You need to give the reader a reason to want to continue reading. Few of us can write so well that it's the sheer beauty of the writing that compels the reader to continue, so it's normally to do with characters and plot.  
 
Why should I be interested in these people? They don't seem especially interesting. There's no hint that there's anything special or out of the ordinary happening to them. 
 
Also, you shouldn't need to sub-title Ben and Rachel quite as obviously as that. 
 
I hope that's not too harsh, but that's what I thought.  
 


Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 7th January 2008
Zmbbw - The reason that Ben and Rachel are SO seperate is that they were origanally seperate chapters (Ben's story being the odd chapters, Rachel's the even ones). I also don't want people to try and create links that aren't there between the two. (There aren't any, but it does become clear later why they are both here) 
 
As for the introduction, I'll look into it, but we'll see what everyone else has to say about it as well. 
 
Cheers 
 
Jam

Written by wewerethere1 (17 comments posted) 21st January 2008
Is it supposed to be choosen or chosen? I might try a little editing. There is a few sentences I think would be better if it was shortened down like second sentence, first paragraph. Also I think for Rachel you might want to not use first person since Ben is not first person. Its a good start but like zmbbw just needs a little plot and character development to get people interested. :)

Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 1st February 2008
wewerethere1 - There is a reason why ben is in the second person, and Rachel in the first, and it has a lot to do with the plot, so I'm unwilling to divulge that at this moment in time. This is still a work in progress and is by no means finished at all, so it'll keep improving 
 
Jam

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