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Poetry
A Race Day Drunk, Manoeuvering
By petetheverse
01 January 2008
Words evoking a real event, at a pub near Haydock Park Racecourse one summer evening.

A Race Day Drunk, Manoeuvering


A drunk

may not necessarily be a drunkard –

the latter has overtones of the alcoholic.

This man was a drunk

(he may, indeed, have been a drunkard)

but in the paralysis of his drunkenness

his movements were balletic –

almost.

He was a tall, burly blonde man

in his forties, smartly-dressed –

perhaps an icon in his own environment.


But here, the drink had absolute control –

but absolutely no control –

of his manoeuverings.


He was endeavouring to cross the road

in a pas-de-trois –

himself, his drunken self and alcohol –


and as he tottered forward

his cajoling arms were semaphoring

the approaching traffic to slow down –

to leave him space

for his unplanned, untutored,

unexpected, unsuspected waywardnesses.


Having, now, negotiated his erratic rushes,

in the mirror can be seen the brake lights,

the impatience of the queuing traffic,

while still he teeters to the applauding jeers

of other drinkers, salving their daytime

racing losses – or burnishing their winnings –

in the evening sunshine.


And our drunk[ard]

tries to find his bearings

amidst the catcalls, the angry horns, the five-

foot pavement he attempts to mount.


Luckily, tomorrow will be another day.

Reviews
Hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 1st January 2008
Seen this type of thing many a day, next morning prob think he had a good day and not remember his rambling. 
a good write, enjoyed the read. 
Bernie

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
You described this person very well - someone out of control and a damned menace to the rest of society, especially road users.

Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
Yes, well described, but somehow I guess it'd do better as non-fiction, for it read like a story rather than a poem. The language used is witty: It makes the situation comical rather than annoying.

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
I enjoyed reading this. Some clever phrases and interesting ideas put forward. Liked it very much. However, I do wonder what makes this a poem rather than a lyrical piece of prose. Not a criticism, and perhaps it doesn't even matter. Just asking out of interest. 
 
Phil.
Replies to critiques
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
Thanks folks; I'm new here, so just finding my feet, although I'm enjoying reviewing. 
Fledermaus & Phil have a justifiable point; perhaps this isn't a poem at all, although some of the layout was lost in translation, so to speak, despite editing it in NotePad and then on the 'me only' page. 
But these pieces occur in your mind, as you know, and I enjoy trying to 'photograph' a moment in time with words. As a short story it would have no body, really, whereas as a piece of light verse it is just a sapshot that most people may be able to read and recognise. In a novel, perhaps it could be used as an aside; which is what it is, essentially. 
Thanks for your time, folks. I'll post a little more, perhaps. 
PTV
Hi again Pete
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
This is a good story - and I am happy for it to be a poem rather than prose. I'm not sure what matter is would make, but the point is, that it very vividly describes something you saw (or maybe just imagined) and gives the reader the chance to experience the same thing second hand. 
 
Great writing!

Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
I love the writing in this PTV - well observed and artfully sketched. I too, though, feel it may have been better treated in prose, albeit with poetic overtones. 
 
 
hm

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