Another one that was banned on blast (much to my disgust, i felt this was very watered down in comparision to others and I've had much worse accepted)
Anyway, enjoy and please comment
James
Nothing's changed,
You’re the same old trash in new shoes,
No-one cares about you,
You’re worthless,
No hand on your shoulder,
No warmth in their taunts,
They're cold,
Anything is better,
Than nothing at all,
But there's no-one,
Anyone would do,
A hand on your shoulder,
A warmth in their call,
Someone to untie the knot around your neck,
Stop you falling into darkness,
A place where everyone’s sorry will be too late,
Where they'll realise you just needed somebody. |
Hi
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 1st January 2008 | A good write is this I enjoyed the read.
what is/was blast.
Bernie |
Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | | Sorry, but I find nothing at all to "enjoy" in this, but plenty to think about. This is someone who has nothing better to do than keep looking inward at themselves and in a bad way. By telling themselves that they are "worthless" all the time, they will be. By telling themself that no-one cares for them, they won't have anyone because others will perceive them as an old misery. It's by telling yourself that you are worth a lot, looking outwards towards others worse off than yourself, and showing love towards others that you find love and worth in yourself. Read my poem "The Death Sentence". People such as this condemn themselves to an early death. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | I think Josie's harsh in this review; unless you have ever been at the very bottom of that pit of despair - and I have, some years ago - then you will never comprehend what release can be achieved by writing this type of poem.
The human spirit is ALWAYS master of itself; and it is the human spirit that gives to anyone that slight artistry which people can then utilise to recover their poise; and then to move on.
Believe me; this is true.
PTV |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | Josie, as a "medically-classed" bipolar sufferer, then comments like that are particulary offensive, inconsiderate, and in extremely ill-judged. I suggest that in future, you consider the writing, rather than use it to put forward your own feelings.
Bernie, Blast is the new BBC young writers site, that was introduced at the same time this was when the old writing services closed down. For 4 years I posted all my work on there,, until I was banned for life after accumlating too many banned works for various minor things (BBC is VERY strict about things you can put up, this one was banned)
Anyone else have anything to say about the poem please? |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | There's a little more focus in this compared to your last piece and therefore, for me, it works better on the emotional front.
The third person delivery does put a distance between the reader and the words. Perhaps wise to save them from full impact, but the over use of personal pronouns weakens this - again - for me.
The idea, pretty strong on its own, doesn't develop enough for me. While I'm sure it was written with depth, I'm not sure that comes through in the reading.
Responses related to the content of your work, not just the technicalities are valid. In the end, an excellent piece of work will be remembered for its words and feel before it is remembered for its clever use of technique. Technique (I keep saying this- for me) lies on a level below meaning, not above.
I can't think why this was banned - sure not to everyone's taste - but certainly not tasteless.
Phil | Response
Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | On some levels this works but the imagery could be sharpened to really get across those feelings of worthlessness and despair. Make me feel that, as a reader!!
BTW People will only be commenting on your writing. Don't take it personally because we don't know you personally and if you post here you have to accept that not all will like what you write. At least, as Phil says, you are free to post. Accept the criticism constructively; use it to make better poetry. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | The reason it was banned was the line "someone to untie the knot around my neck", apparently too likely to make others self harm.
Phil/Jill, is there any particular part of the poem you feel needs expanding/altering?
Cheers
Jam |
Written by Oceane (10 comments posted) 14th August 2008 | You wrote this really good. I see a person who has a lot of pain, and get's no help, no one see that he/she needs it. I feel with him.
It's real good.
Anne |
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