Great Writing - Home > Poetry > The Bridge and the Space below it
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1223 guests online and 7 members online
Poetry
The Bridge and the Space below it
By Amelia
02 January 2008
The sky is thick and blank
too close, dark
a color I can't define
like the backs of my eyelids.
And a few high branches make black silhouttes of
arms, wrists, fingers, reaching
and we're lying on the bridge
and it's too late at night
our feet twist in the air, suspended
but from our knees up, we're as solid
as these cold, soft planks, spaced exactly
and stretched between two banks
the water is loud in the cold cathedral space below us,
but his chest is warm and smooth under my fingertips.
We're both looking up, blankly
Focusing on this one warmth,
this one contact,
these circles and swirls,
flesh on flesh,
heat,
barely touching, really
but warmer than
the thunder of water and those four stars
bright enough to pierce the sky

Reviews
orientations
Written by patterjack (1159 comments posted) 1st January 2008
Because I am lacking ability in spatial perceptions , I need more time to orientate myself with this poem. That is not a criticism -- there is a lot to like in this , and I will think on it and probaly pm you about it. 
 
Thought provoking because it is not overstated . 
 
patterjack

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 1st January 2008
Love it. Agree with Brian- you say a lot without resorting to dramatic descriptions. It's easy to imagine being where you are. 
 
A few crits: 
1) silhouettes, not silhouttes 
2) I find it hard to imagine planks being soft. 
3) the ", really" of the fourth-to-last line seems unnecessary. 
4) Your punctuation seems a bit random- a distinct lack in the first half, making for difficult reading aloud, with a profusion of commas in the second half. Something you might want to think about. 
 
Otherwise, beautiful.

Written by Steve_K (54 comments posted) 1st January 2008
I liked it, kinda trippy :)

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
I like this. 
Will come back to study and immerse myself in it. 
A lot going on here; a lot to assimilate. 
I'm not Arnie, but "I'll be back". 
PTV

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
Liked this very much. I did get a bit hung up on the feet and lower leg bits. Perhaps my spacial perception needs a little tuning too. 
 
Phil.

Written by fellpony (1580 comments posted) 2nd January 2008
I too found the orientation a bit difficult - but I did recognise softwood planks that are well worn, which can develop a fluffy surface, hence perhaps "soft"?  
 
I didn't get the relevance of "the space beneath it" in the title though so I'm still wondering about that.

Written by Amelia (30 comments posted) 7th January 2008
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! 
 
gutterkitty -  
1. thanks. I fixed it. 
2. you know how wood becomes soft when it's damp, so that one can scratch their initials or a drawing with a fingernail? That's how they're soft. I guess I wanted to express that they are organic and slightly damp. 
3. I like the really- it's sort of... admitting? Conceding that we aren't touching that much, but it's still somehow powerful. Without it, the meaning changes slightly. 
4. yeah... I suck at punctuation in poetry. And line breaks. Those are my two weak points. I should probably be more consistent, but there doesn't seem to be any kind of norm as far as punctuation goes. 
Thank you! 
 
Steve - thank you! I suppose it is a bit trippy, but that's just the way I think... Actually, I think poetry is about admitting the most primal way of thinking that is universal, just never really said out loud. On the other hand, my friend and I joke that we'll never need drugs, because people take them so they can act like we do normally. 
 
PTV- hahaha alright, I'm looking forward to it. :] 
 
Phil- It's definitely hard for me to explain precise or complicated things factually in poetry. That's really the best way I can think of explaining our position while still sounding poetic... basically we're just lying on our backs on a bridge with our legs (from the knees down) dangling over the side. See, I think I'm just better suited to prose for explanations. 
 
fellpony- I originally posted this on another writing site (yes, I am cheating on all of you) called thisisby.us, in which everything needs a subtitle. So the "And the Space below it" was the subtitle, mostly because I thought it sounded cool. And now it's sort of stuck. I may change it back to "The Bridge," but that's a little boring.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item