Okay, so this is obviously not poetry. I have all kinds of issues categorizing my writing. I feel like a liar. But it's not long enough to be a short story, since it's just a scene, but it's not written in verse. Oh well.
This sums up the summer of 2007.
The sky is dark purple and dusky, and the stars are brilliant tonight, even behind those tissue-paper clouds.The water in the pond is inky black, and we're sitting on someone else's dock, hoping they won't come down here to find two naked teenagers, but who else would be swimming this time of night? I've seen the woman who uses this dock, spreading oils across her sun-burned skin and barely breathing in her lyrca suit, sipping tiny glasses of cold, colorful drinks. She's not the skinny-dipping type.
We have nothing to worry about, I tell him, and he believes me. I slide off the dock, leaving only wet handprints, into the black water. It's warmer and shallower than I expected, and the muddy bottom is too close, so instead I float on my back, looking at my feet, my legs, my skin too pale against the black water.
He's talking to me, sweet things that I love to hear, and I listen until the water covers my ears, and then all I can hear is my breathing, so familiar it's indecent, and the quiet rush of a sleeping world under the surface. The water rinses away sweat and mosquitoes, fans out my tangled hair, and I feel myself smiling.
I tell him this only happens in movies, and we share a smile because we both know I'm wrong and we're lucky.
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categories Written by patterjack (1314 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 |
You are not the only one who suffers categorisation difficulties -- maybe you could have set it in Non fiction ? Maybe you could also rewrite it into a poem -- worth a try ! patterjack |
Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 |
I had a problem with a piece also from this summer - Corfu Swallow. Solution - one prose version in non-fiction, one chopped up version on poetry. Scene or not, poetry or not, I still like this. It captures a moment well. As a piece of writing, it suceeds. Phil. |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
So it is non-fiction? Lucky you. What a wonderful scene  |
Written by Amelia (36 comments posted) 5th January 2008 |
patterjack- yeah, I guess I overlooked non-fiction. And I know it sounds very hippyish and wishy-washy, but this doesn't have a poetry kind of feel to me. It feels like prose. I can't really explain farther than that :] Thanks for the review. Phil- Thanks. I guess that's all I wanted to do: capture a moment. Fledermaus- I am lucky. :] |
A question of Rhythms Written by patterjack (1314 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
Prose rhythms and poetry rhythms differ and have a different feel -- and by the way , I am not talking here about meter . Yes , this is prose , tinged with a bit of emotion that approches the poetic and a couple of metaphors . It was a worthwhile bit of writing , suitable for publishing on GW patterjack
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Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
I thought this was well written, I particularly liked "so familiar it's indecent". Nice. |
edit Written by patterjack (1314 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
and a couple of metaphors . should have been preceded by containing Sin of omission ! patterjack |
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