SCENE 1: Actually there is only one scene. Open on a poorly lit but spacious room. Plastic chairs have been arranged in a rough circle near one end of the room. Five UNDEAD (SVEN, ALED, SARA, MATT and CLYDE) are sitting in various places around the circle. It's evident that they're having a meeting.

SVEN: (Stands up) Ok, I'd just like to welcome everyone to the latest Undead support meeting, and today we have a new member. Aled, why don't you tell us a bit about yourself.

ALED: (Stands up as SVEN sits down. ALED looks nervous, he clears his throat before speaking) Er, hi. My name is Aled, and I've been undead now for about six years now.

UNDEAD: (Chorus) Hello Aled.

ALED: I er . . . I used to be a management consultant but well . . . then there was the car wreck and afterwards I just didn't fit in. Things have gone downhill with my wife . . . my arm fell off at the elbow. (He's actually stuck it back on with some scotch tape) It's . . . . It's been tough. (He looks around the circle, smiles uncomfortably, half shrugs and sits down)

SVEN: (Stands up) Well Aled, this is what we're all about. With a little luck and a lot of determination we can beat this. Together.

UNDEAD: (Muttered chorus of agreement)

SVEN: And on that note I think we should all say well done to Matt, who's been off the brains now for a whole year. Way to stay strong Matt.

MATT: (Nods as the others applaud, gestures to show his off-white ‘undead rights' charity band. )

SVEN: Now. Let's begin. This week I'd like to start just with a progress report from everyone. Sara? (Sits down)

SARA: (Stands) Hi. Well, it's been going well. I've still been having trouble with the whole lurching issue but I think I'm getting better.

SVEN: And the brains?

SARA: Not for two months now. (She looks pleased. Everyone gives some perfunctory applause, she sits down).

SVEN: Good work, keep it up. Clyde?

CLYDE: (stands) Well I . . .

There is a noise from off-screen. CLYDE pauses and everyone looks towards the door.

SVEN: (Resigned) Oh, not again.

Two ZOMBIE HUNTERS burst through the door, crossbows drawn.

HUNTER1: We've found it! We found their lair!

HUNTER2: (Disgustedly) Good god. It's full of them.

SVEN: (Placating gesture) Guys look, we're just having a peaceful meeting here, do you have to do this every week. It's hard enough without . . . .

A crossbow bolt imbeds itself in his chest. He falls to the floor. The other UNDEAD stand up and look indignant.

CLYDE: You shot Sven! That was just . . . like . . . dude . . .

A crossbow bolt hits him in the shoulder; he spins round and hits the floor.

HUNTER1: Don't listen to them! They're trying to trick us!

The two hunters drop their crossbows and produce pistols from somewhere about their person. HUNTER 2 holds his sideways because he's that kind of person.

MATT, SARA, and ALED, are now the only zombies remaining. MATT is shot, and SARA and ALED are gunned down as they make a run for the far end of the hall.

The two hunters holster their guns. HUNTER 2 blows imaginary smoke away from the barrel of his before he does so, 'cos he's a prat.

HUNTER1: Zombie scum.

HUNTER2: We did it man, we killed them.

HUNTER1: Yes, for now. You can never stop the undead though. They're like a plague. A plague upon humanity. (He adopts a dramatic, deep in thought pose.)

HUNTER2: Easy man, we gotta' take this one step at a time.

HUNTER1: I know Jon. (Shakes head sadly) Saving the world is a hell of a job.

They turn and leave the room.

HUNTER2: (Faintly as they're leaving) And my name's John. With a ‘H'. For christ's sake how hard is it . . .

Several long seconds after they've gone the UNDEAD gradually begin to get to their feet, remove crossbow bolts and check bullet wounds. Next few lines are in a sort of confusion of words and they all get themselves back together, put back overturned chairs and so on.

MATT: Everyone OK?

ALL: (Along the general lines of) Yeah, I'm fine . . . great . . .  only a flesh wound . . . wish they wouldn't keep doing that . . .  take ages to heal . . .  ruined my shirt. . .

End.