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By Carly
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03 January 2008 |
I took on some of your comments, and decided to revise my entry.
I look forward to your review :-)
| Thinking now about life |
| So hard tough and long |
| Not being needed like a wife |
| being solid hard and strong |
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| I feel that is why |
| I find relationships so hard |
| I lack softness of a cry |
| and am always on my guard |
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| If I could only see |
| a future full of joy |
| I would certainly be |
| in the right place, not annoyed |
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| I think I am restless |
| feeling I don’t belong |
| Or in need of some rest |
| not worrying if I am strong |
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| Really I want to feel |
| all the things I have missed |
| a love, which is the real deal |
| or even just a passionate, sensual kiss... |
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 | Carly,
I empathise with your feelings, which you set out before us like offerings on an altar.
But there are weaknesses here, in construction.
Once you have set out a specific rhythm, as in the first two stanzas and the first three lines of the third, which are by and large regular throughout (although this is arguable) you have then allowed your thoughts and emotions to run away from you.
You have become the fielder chasing the ball; as the writer, you should have control of the ball.
This is NOT negative criticism, I promise you - it is intended as a pointer for you to do more work on this, which has the promise of a piece which many will enjoy.
PTV |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | The idea/meaning of the poem is very good, the idea of a person missing being loved as it were, has great potenital, as do some of the lines (i particulary like the last line, and indeed most of the last stanza). HOwever, sometimes it feels a little forced, and the rhyme doesn't help that cause.
I feel that if you tried to re-write this poem with no rhyme at all, then you'd find not only is it easier to write, but it will sound a lot more effective. A pome like this needs to make the reader feel it, and by having a swinging rhyme, it never will.
Try re-writing this without the rhyme, using only the strongest line as a template, and build the layers around that. Doing that I feel would make this a great poem.
Jam | A Yearning
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | I like the content of your poem, you handle the subject very sincerely and that comes across to the reader.
There is some powerful emotion in there and that makes it interesting. I agree with some of the comments above about improving the structure but it is just tweaking.
All the best
embro |
Written by Amelia (30 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | This may seem like a radical suggestion, but your words sound like they would be better suited in prose. You have a tendency to explain instead of show, and I think prose would allow you to say all you need and want to say without the constrictions of rhyme and rhythm.
I'm not telling you to change your identity as a writer, but perhaps experiment. I am by no means an experienced writer; this is simply my impression.
Amelia |
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