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Cryptic/elliptic ?
Written by patterjack (1328 comments posted) 2nd January 2008 |
I find this a bit too jerky to appreciate it . As others for whom I have written reviews would assure you , I have a particular dislike of single word lines.
Especially when the word in question is an abstract noun .
Personal prejudice only -- the content of this is worth the reading .
patterjack
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verse form
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Have to agree with patterjack on this one.
I won't claim any expertise with poetry - I'm more 'comfprtable' with prose! But I do think poetry is more like lyrics without the music, so for me it needs a fairly regular RHYTHM even if it doesn't rhyme!
The content is very thought-provoking, which I guess is the main purpose of poetry .... maybe this could be extended, "padded" here and there to flesh it out into a rhythmic piece?
I'll get my coat ...............  |
Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I agree with Patterjack and Bagheera. The content is great, but the form is a bit strange.
I think it also has something to do with breaking off lines in the middle of a phrase. Breaking up a sentence is OK, as long as it's done on the border between phrases. That's why the first stanza does work, whereas the second doesn't.
The metaphors are nice though. |
Hate to say..
Written by jillrabbit (57 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
this, but I agree with the above.
I reread it putting lines together and really enjoyed it. It seemed to say more to me.
I love ' like a lost adagio' ( Samuels Barber's perhaps?)
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Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I, too, agree with all the above and, as JR says, it reads better in lines, for instance:
first comma after adagio,
second comma after vial, Full stop after intimacies. and so on.
Like patterjack I find one word line's just a bit pretentious. It's a good poem so try it in proper lines!
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P. S.
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
| But what would I know??? |
Replies to critiques
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Well, thank you all, folks, for putting so much consideration into your responses.
Like us all, I find that words come to mind in a specific way, seemingly appropriate to what one is trying to say.
In consequence, sometimes they themselves write themselves ACROSS the page, and then at other times downward. I am a real grumpy old man about punctuation, so there really is a bit of a come-uppance here when you tell me punctuate THIS piece, albeit only here and there.
And I know what you mean about single words on single lines, so first I must cast the mote out of my own eye!
Thanks again.
PTV
By the way, I seem to detect a slight smouldering of discontent that I try to write meaningful critiques of Josie's children's pieces. I have an underlying intention to respond to nearly every new piece that is posted, certainly in the poetry section, and to go back down the entries as and when I can. Something of a labour of love, I fear, but that is what this site seems to be for; so that any adverse criticism that coms your way is written only with the very best of intenetions; and will not be a matter of personal injury, so to speak.
And anyway, who am I to judge, for although I've had a few pieces published here and there I'm no expert, by any means! Writing critiqes, though, is a very good way to judge you own work in the light of your own remarks elsewhere - as indictated by all your comments on this particular piece. Hoist on one's own petard comes to mind! |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I like this, but have to confess that I mentally reconstructed it into longer lines on the second read. It's not easy broken up - nothing wrong with that - but flow is loss and rythm is very heavy. Possibly just personal preferences.
BTW: you should review any way you see fit, so long as it's honest. I guess some differentiation needs to be made concerning the purpose of the piece you're reviewing and the seriousness of the writer. Glad you intend to read and review widely. The site needs a little more of that.
Phil |
love this
Written by no1butClo (339 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
up to animosity, then you lose me slightly, could just be the line breaks.
nice stuff, glad to hear you're gonna be reviewing, phil's right, other points of view are always welcome, as long as they don't get tiresome 
cheers,
clo
PS I shouldn't be one to talk, but even if you've only been published 'here and there', surely you're not as susceptible to typos as the rest of us? =P watch them hehe or you'll get told off like I do! |
PTV
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I responded to your critique of Josie's work because I know , in the past, she removed some of her work, when a previous member was critical.
Now, she seems to have done the same, as the poem is no longer there!
We should be able to take constructive criticism, and I have to say, yours is constructive, not destructive. That's the only reason why I put my oar in.
I wasn't trying to teach you punctuation, I sorely need lessons in that myself, but just to show you how I read the lines. |
Response to critiques - 2
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Hi, all;
This is great - I love the to and fro, the back chat, the lack of back-biting. I'm sure I can learn a lot here, from all you guys, whether it's a small pointer or a big put-down. They are all grist to the mill; if you don't like what I write, tell me, for we should all have broad shoulders in a forum like this - else why participate?
Only been here a week, but loving it!
PTV |
Sorry
Written by punchy (504 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
I hate to go against the grain but I like your poem just the way it is. Maybe because i am a little disjointed myself but I find it makes it easier to read almost like a choreographed contempory dance, kind of jerky yet to the point.
But what do I know I write poems about bras! x Paula |
Response to critiques - 3
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Hi, all,
Just a note to say that everyone's input here has been tremendous - the number of responses for a new writer seems to me to be phenomenal.
Although I'm not going to take this 'down', (as there may be more to come?), I'm going to make a serious attempt to rejig it in the ways that have been suggested between some of you; and then repost it under a new 'numerical' title.
Thanks again to all.
PTV
Incidentally, as I may have replied to someone previously, the curious name I appear here by goes back some time (someone called me it), and although I'm in no way Welsh I AM a quarter Irish; and I'm inclined to think that a more appropriate name would have been "Pseud", which is what I probably am, and I could have conjoined that with the Irish in me and called myself Pseud O'Nym. |
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