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By jammycarrot
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03 January 2008 |
Ok, only wrote this one last night, so it will not be perfect or even close. Would like any feedback or comments on how to make it better/stronger if necessary. Would like to add to save myself repeating myself, the last line is intended to be like that, it is not a gramatical error!
cheers jam
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I am the fire in your heart,
The flicker of you eyes,
the burning of your desire.
I am the ice in your veins,
The shiver down your spine,
The rush of blood to your head.
I am the space between your ears,
The hole in your head,
The caverns in your heart.
I am you,
Your body, your mind, your soul.
Your's mine.
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | J,
First thoughts are that this is strong. There is a typo in line two of stanza one (you/your). "The hole in your head" is out of place, as it has other connotations - would YOU like a hole in your head? - but 'the caverns in your heart' is a splendid phrase.
The last line is quite difficult for the reader. I know what you mean, and what you want to say, but it detracts from the remainder rather than adding to it, I think. Purely personal, of course.
Don't show it to the recipient until it is strengthened; let it mature in your mind, subconsciously, like camembert, and it will be the better for it. Trust me!
PTV |
Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | I'm a rank amatuer but I think the last line would sound better as:
As yours is mine. |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | Can't disagree with PTV on this one.
The last line does detract, intentional or not. I like Audrie's suggestion, but feel it's not exactly what you were getting at.
Phil. | I equals you
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | I liked some of your phrasing and enjoyed reading.
I agree with PTV and others about the term 'hole in your head'
Would something like...... "The focus of your thoughts" be appropriate... or (centre of your thoughts)..just a suggestion.
all the best
embro |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | Cheers everyone.
I kind of guessed the last line would be a sort of talking point, I'm a bit confused by what pete and phil mean about it "detracting" from the poem. It wasn't meant to add anything really, just be a summary with a double meaning.
Embro, I like the line centre of your thoughts. I'm not sure though. I tried to use a theme in each stanza, stanza 3 being a kind of "empty spaces" stanza. I thought the weakest line of the poem was the one above, the space between the ears. I'm surprised everyone went for the line below...
| Second stanza
Written by katejayne (17 comments posted) 19th May 2008 | I really like hwo the first stanza is all to do with flames:
-fire
-Flicker ( like a spark almost)
-Burning
And I think it would be really effective if you change the last line in the second stanza to relate to the cold aspect, that personally, I think you portray in the prior two sentences. |
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