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Things My Mother Tried to Teach Me
By jean.day
03 January 2008
My mother has been dead 39 years. When she was the age I am now, she had had a severe stroke and her left side was paralysed. She lived for 3 years after that, but had a very limitted life.

I cannot escape thinking about her daily, as I look very much like her - more so as I grow older. She was a very important part of my life, but I am not really like her in many ways. I am much more adventurous and confident, but on the negative side, I am much more lazy and selfish.

Things My Mother Tried to Teach Me That I Never Really Learned

“Never say anything bad about anybody until you have said two good things about them first.”

I have tried to do this - but sometimes can’t think of the two good things, and can’t resist the bad.

“Whatever you do, do it well. Always do the best you can.”

She was a perfectionist - each piece of sewing done with pinning, and basting before the actual sewing - each seam perfectly even and straight. I know she would have been ashamed of the dolly dressing gowns I made out of Philip’s old shirts and tried to pass off as Christmas presents to my granddaughters this year. They thought they were pretty awful too - and wanted the fancy pretty bought dolly clothes instead.

“Always write to say thank you for a present before you use it.”

I used to stick to this faithfully, but can’t say I even try much these days. Lazy, I guess. But in my defence, nobody much seems to write to say thank you to me either.

“Be nice to relatives, even if you don’t like them.”

Some relatives you like despite their faults. Some relatives who are nearly perfect are very hard to like. I do try a bit, but I don’t think I deceive many people. But I’m actually using at the same time another of her principles - “always tell the truth.”

“Go to Church every Sunday.”

I do, for the most part, live up to this - but on the occasions I miss, it is my mother’s ghost that makes me feel guilty, not God.

“Always wear your new clothes (if appropriate) to Church before you wear them anywhere else.”

I stopped doing this long ago - and wear the same scruffy clothes to church that I wear at home. But I do think of the saying, and feel somewhat guilty about it. I’m afraid I save my best new clothes for bridge parties instead.

But the thing I probably thank my mother for most - is that she taught me to play and to love playing bridge. Those of you who are not bridge players, will not regard that as a very big deal.

But to me (and to her) bridge is our main form of socialising - a way of being with other people, and making friends without having to talk too much, or say clever things. It doesn’t matter if you’re fat (I’ve already lost 5 lbs) and grey (only a few - and she dyed hers). My bridge friends, for the most part, are people who are like minded. Just like with Creative Writing - those who do it tend to be people who have a similar personality to you and who you can relate to.

As far as what my children will say they have learned from me, if they are faced with this question in 20 years time - I expect they will find it hard to put anything down. Their main influence has been their father - and even leaving home and getting married has hardly lessened his influence on their lives.

Reviews

Written by Fledermaus (3448 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
Well, they're all good advice, and you rehearsed them well, as you can reproduce them still. 
Interesting to see how church seems to take up such an important place. I'm almost beginning to think that all devout Dutchmen moved to the USA or something. 
 
My grandmother wanted to teach us to play bridge once, but we didn't understand a thing about it. Probably the most difficult card game ever created...

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
Jean, 
Thank you for this; very interesting observations, both from your mother and your own honest responses to them. 
There has been a huge shift in the generations, and for my own part I think that I have never lived up to the expectations that my parents probably had in me; although my brothers probably have, which makes my own failures all the more galling! 
As for bridge - yes - my parents played it almost addictively, although my father was the expert and my mother his sometimes weaker partner, although she was no 'dummy'(!). They used to hold bridge parties and played almost every week with their friends down the years, at alternate houses, and it was a very great source of pleasure for them. My middle brother still plays occasionally, but for my part I've forgotten the rules and doubt that I have the analytical brain required to play it well. 
The one telling phrase that my own mother used to say was, "Never go to sleep on an argument", which has its merits but is almost impossible to live up to! 
Talking of card games, when I used to visit my grandparents I always used to play rummy with my grandfather, who was a genial, obsessively groomed, smart gentleman of advanced years who always used to wear spats. I think I was about ten when it occurred to me that he played with an underlying cunning that enabled me to win; of course, thereafter, I was always endeavouring to turn the tables, so that quietly and secretly we were both playing to lose! I think that even the matchsticks became exasperated with the pair of us! 
Regards, 
PTV
Thanks Fledermaus and Pete
Written by jean.day (2323 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
Fledermaus, I think my Dutch grandfather and his brother were totally against religion - and refused to let their children go to church at all. The religion in my family mostly comes from my mother - who was of Polish origins.  
 
As a bridge teacher with 30 years experience, I can tell you that if you found it too difficult - you were taught badly. It is the sort of game that has a lot of complicated aspects, but if your teacher introduces them gradually - they can easily be absorbed. And the game is fun even without its many extra dimentions.  
 
Pete, I enjoyed hearing about how you and your grandfather tried so hard to lose. That must have been more fun even than trying to win.

Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
Jean, 
 
As ever with you, your writing is a delight! A wonderful take on my topic! 
 
VBW, 
 
TW

Written by Phil (6828 comments posted) 3rd January 2008
I guess the important thing is that we all find our own way in life despite the teachings and expectations of our parents.  
 
Enjoyed reading this. 
 
(A little less guilt, Jean. I'm sure you're more than worthy of your mother's pride.) 
 
Phil

Written by Josie (2823 comments posted) 7th January 2008
Jean - hope it's not too late to say "Happy New Year" and what your mother taught you must have well and truly sunk in. The most important thing my mother taught me was that you can get anything in life if you work hard enough - and she told me that because I wanted to be a teacher and was unhappy at being in a B stream of a secondary modern where ambition was knocked out of you. Mother was right. As for my daughter: I don't think anything I taught her was taken on board - but perhaps it may show up in years to come. I really enjoyed reading what you had written and, as usual, was just carried along by your good writing.
Thanks Josie
Written by jean.day (2323 comments posted) 7th January 2008
I think things thar are important to you, you never forget even if you might want to.

Written by coosh (887 comments posted) 2nd February 2008
Some delightful observations, Jean. Your mother was quite specific in her advice, wasn't she. Assuming your children read your work, they will have plenty of interesting ideas to contemplate. Funny how certain childhood memories can remain very strong, and yet I've forgotten what happened last week. My mother used to say things like "I'll believe you, but thousands wouldn't" and "Worse things happen at sea", which is probably why we never went on anything more perilous than a cross-channel ferry. 
 
Never fathomed bridge, although I recall Omar Sharif's comment that he'd "rather be playing it than making a bad movie" - so he clearly gave up during Lawrence of Arabia. Enjoyable as always. My best wishes.

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