Imagine the tune of Scarborough fair
Are you going to Edinburgh hill?
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
I wonder if the girl lives there still
For she once was a true love of mine
Tell her to explain life in linear time
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
The mathematical genius
Then she'll be a true love of mine
Tell her to beat all of fair Scotland
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
The little karate champion
Then she'll be a true love of mine
Tell her to bring me a sparkling pearl
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
From the deep and dark ocean's bottom
Then she'll be a true love of mine
Ask her to do impossible things
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
And let her send me on similar quests
And she'll be a true love of mine
If she says she can't, isn't up to the task
Castle, houses, cathedral, it's fine
Then tell her I shall no longer ask
And she'll never be a true love of mine
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Fl, hi,
Always difficult to mimic an existing piece, I fear.
Some of these lines are slightly out of rhythm - 'the mathematical genius', 'the little karate champion' - and I'm not convinced I understand what you are aiming at; except that you wish her to be perfect, so to speak, to be a true love. Hmm.
'From the deep and dark ocean's bottom' is not worthy of you; 'from the deep, dark ocean's depths', perhaps.
But I am not entirely certain what you are trying to convey, and the stanzas don't 'flow' evenly, for me at least.
Sorry, but here it comes again: "NEEDS MORE WORK!"
PTV |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
Hi Pete.
Not exactly wanting her to be perfect, but to show her own expectations were too high.
I think "the little karate champion" falls one syllable short, so that probably disrupts the flow most :-/
Thanks for the advice  |
Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 |
A girl in every port Fledermaus. The dinburg I know, while beautiful in the parts you describe, has a very seedy underbelly.
A little jarring - if sung along to the music - and like PTV, I was a little unsure of the overall narrative - where it came from, where it was going. The progression of last lines suggests a story a little more complex.
Not listened to (or played) S&G for many years. Just today, youngest has bought a guitar. Might go and revisit - so thanks for that.
Phil |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
Thanks Phil.
Perhaps too much focussed on one person I guess :-/ Hopefully a next poem will be better then  |
Edinburgh Hill?
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| I used to live in Edinburgh - in fact my daughter was born in Edinburgh at the Western General. Now, in case I may have met the young woman, which of the seven hills are you talking of: Castle Rock; Arthur's Seat; Carleton Hill; Corstorphine Hill; Craiglockhart Hills? Braid Hills or Blackford Hill? PS Did she ever do a secretarial course at any of the colleges? I might have taught her. More information needed. To the poem itself: If you are going to woo her with a song, the above won't do I'm afraid. Firstly the second and fourth lines must rhyme, but also the rhythm must be the same on each line or the words won't fit in. eg: "From the deep and dark ocean's bottom" You must admit that bottom doesn't rhyme with pearl. Why not try "deep" - from the ocean's deep? That rhymes with something to keep. ha ha. We must teach you how to write better love songs on this website or we'll never see the back of you Fledermaus. |
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| I've written a poem especially for you in your search for love. See latest poems. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
Thanks Josie. Will have a look at your poem.
This is by no way intended to woo her. I'll probably never see her again (she's the same I mentioned in that other poem as now wearing another's ring). The thing is she is nearly perfect and knows it, yet she expects others to be perfect as well, which fitted well with the original song in which a man and a woman give each other impossible tasks to prove their love. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| Oh. It's Castle Hill btw. |
HI Fledermaus
Written by jean.day (2257 comments posted) 8th January 2008 |
You seemed to have suffered a bit of criticism on this one. I was glad you set it to a tune I know, so that I could sing it rather than read it. I think there was only one line where the scanning was a problem.
I sort of think you are well rid of this girl friend. |
Written by Fledermaus (3238 comments posted) 15th January 2008 |
Thanks Jean.
Guess you're right, though having had a (nearly) perfect girlfriend did cause me to raise my standards a lot too. Won't be easy to find a girl that could beat her... |
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