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By no1butClo
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03 January 2008 |
Not quite finished; needs expanding no? What do you think so far?
Her skin smelt of chocolate
her hair of cigarettes; combined
they seemed more potent
than anything we drank
that night from champagne flutes,
tumblers or other places.
In the morning her smokey
sweetness soured; so much
she left without a word.
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | Hi,
Seems fine to me; enjoyed it very much and it's in the taut, understated style that I sometimes try to emulate myself. Interestingly, some find that style too terse. But the subject is terse, and you have some fine turns of phrase within such a short piece.
No, I don't think it needs altering.
The last phrase, after the semi-colon, is a sour comment on the whole event; wonderfully described.
PTV
By the way, thanks for your response to one of mine. |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | | Agree with PTV. Short and to the point, don't think it needs any more. |
Written by Fledermaus (3470 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | OK... For some reason I thought you were female, until I read this poem, which, if I understand it correctly does at least suggest the narrator is male (or lesbian)...
If I'm wrong here you certainly managed to fool me, which I mean as a compliment, for did not Plato say that all poets are liars?  | ok, I never reply to reviews as a rule b
Written by no1butClo (341 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | ... I really should clear this up lol.
I am female, but in this poem "her" just sounded better than "his". The sex of the narrator is up to you, I hadn't got that far when I wrote it down.
Thanks though, clo x |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 3rd January 2008 | Glad you cleared that up Clo. I never for a moment thought you were anything but female - and so this confused me a little - and it doesn't take that much. Now I know you were writing from another perspective I appreciate this much more. I like it.
BTW - read from a female (writer) perspective - there could be three characters here!
Phil. | I like it
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | sensuous
love how the chocolate and cigarettes lead to the smokey sweetness of the last stanza.
super stuff
Oli |
Written by jsyingling (31 comments posted) 27th January 2008 | First two stanzas really rocked for me. Seems very honest, very real. I love the "other places" line. The last stanza needs to be cleared up a bit, in my opinion. I like the way it sounds, but as far as the storytelling, it's just a little vague to me.
Listening to "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" by Rufus Wainwright? |
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