I wrote this for a friend i upset a while back, hence the private jokes ( jelly, canals and creme caramels for example are all private jokes). I'd like to hear reviews on this, and also any possible replacements for that line. or if you think that line should stay.
CHeers
jam
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A day, a week, a months gone by,
Since I last spoke to you,
I miss our random convos,
And the things we used to do.
The days of endless chit-chat,
Have gone with hopes and dreams,
Of present, past and future
Have been unpicked at the seams.
Truth be told I took for granted,
What you did for me
Though the months have made me wiser,
It's too late now to see
If words could paint a picture,
I'd be no good at art.
What I did to you was wrong,
Wasn't clever, wasn't smart.
And I'm guessing you've replaced me,
With someone more worthwhile.
A person with a soul, a heart,
More brains, more hair, more smiles.
Though it pains me that I say it,
I guess you ought to hear,
Replacing me is easy,
Your replacement is not clear.
I'm sat here now remembering,
All the things I should have said.
Jelly, canals and creme caramels
Are the ones within my head.
I've wished that you could hear this
Wished to put time in reverse.
I'm missing you, still needing you,
Now ends my final verse. |
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Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | | You know, you and Fledermaus ought to get together on this serious topic. Perhaps you should move on to the next girl, older and wiser this time. Instead of talking about jelly, canals and creme caramels, perhaps talking of your hopes and dreams, your loyalty, your devotion and your love might have been better. But it is a long time since I was wooed, so I don't know what you talk about these days. I made the mistake of talking on and on about my last boyfriend and my broken heart and the fact that I'd finished with men. I even said goodbye and went off on my own to the other side of Canada. But, you know, it worked. For the young man I talked to followed me and now we've been married 40 years happily. So you see, you never know what is the right or wrong thing to say. Too much talk of love at too early a point can be a turn off also. Ask the younger generation. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | Another one difficult to rewiew impartially, because it's so personal to you yourself.
I'm afraid it has a bit of sing-song style about, rhythmically, which I'm not convinced is suited to the material.
The final line is pretty gross, to be honest, and the line with which it rhymes is badly our of kilter, rhythmically.
"If words could paint a picture" is what we are trying to do all the time, to be honest, when writing verse, and harks back to something else which haunts a lot of song-memories: "If a picture paints a thousand words/Then why can't I paint you?"
So I think it's back to the notepad, my old son - although if you can just refine it here and there your lost love might just appreciate the effort you've gone to; it isn't ALL bad, and has feelings within it which she may well respond to; certainly recognise as genuine.
PTV |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | It was actually for a friend, not a girlfriend, so the fact that its a bit romantic worries me...:S. I think i put in the introduction that I've already given it to her? I think. Anyway, i did it mainly because she used to like my petry and I thought this might make her smile. I just wanted to see if it could be made into a more "standarized" (is that even a word?) poem, but I think i've found the answer.
Cheers Jam
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Written by Fledermaus (3470 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | I suppose that this one is about the same person as the one preceding it? If so, it's surprising how different the tone is. That one is a bit clumsy, too full of self-loathing and -pity. This one on the other hand seems to flow better and show more of the different feelings that come from a break-up (although at first I thought this was about a friendship rather than love).
Of course Josie is right, and the best way to deal with such things is to simply leave them behind. At least for a while, until you're sure you'd never want to go back. And then you can start writing bad poems about lost loves, as I'm currently doing  |
Written by Fledermaus (3470 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | Oops. Your post crossed mine. A friend than after all. Well, same solution though: Forget about him and move on. I bet you have more than just one friend.
Good poem. Liked it a lot better than the other one. | Lucky friend
Written by punchy (533 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | How lovely to have a friend write a poem for you.
I liked this ,it's open and to the point.
Paula |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 4th January 2008 | You know the old saying:
If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.
Good advice. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | OK, I'll try clear up the confusion. I'm a he, the person I wrote this for was a friend, but was a she.
hope that clears everything up.
Jam |
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