So this is from a few years ago, I'm quite fond of it but I don't take it that seriously - and so I'll probably not revise it. Criticism is always welcome, however......
Around this place so cruelly quiet,
Souls kept in boxes of wood and gold.
Stone angels scratch their aching wings,
and none pay heed to the deadly cold.
All are welcome to this place of rest,
though you may wish to avoid its touch.
You'll eventually enter this cold realm,
though perhaps not to notice it all that much.
With the mists of time upon the ground,
and faceless names upon the stones,
The cold air touches the flesh of none,
Because all here are made of bones.
Though some may fear the icey touch,
Of the keeper of this bleak gate,
Others pay tribute to his caress.
Still, to meet this spectre is your fate.
When walking through this space of things left behind,
Eventually, all alone, you feel his breath.
Yet kindred to this spirit you feel,
The keeper of this yard - Gentleman Death.
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The Yard
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
A chilling tale Hellcat ! Some nice descriptions and phrasing. An interesting read.
All the best
embro |
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| aww, why thank you, embro. Appreciated! |
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
| Good poem. The last verse seemed to lose the rhythm a bit and one minor typo icy, not icey, but telling us all what we have in store!! |
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
 thank you for the kind words, audrie! I do remember having some trouble with the last verse - there was much I wanted to say but couldn't fit it in! |
Written by Fledermaus (3470 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
Very nice poem.
Especially liked the stone angels and the "all here are made of bones". It's not easy to write a poem about death which underlines a the fact that we'll all go there with a certain chilly beauty.
A very nice poem. |
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 4th January 2008 |
Gee, Fladermaus, I never thought it would get such a good reception!
Keep with the criticisms however, people. - It's how we learn!
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Hi
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 5th January 2008 |
I enjoyed this well written piece.
Bernie |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 5th January 2008 |
Hellcat,
Perhaps the place was MADE for you!
Graveyards, as it happens, are something I often wander around; besides the sombre certainty that they are waiting for all of us, they do have a certain life of their own, even in death. And there's (obviously) little pieces of history there, an occasional smile, some full-scale tragedies; and so on.
If you ever go to Howarth, to the Bronte parsonage (where their father was the vicar) it is hardly surprising that their writing was brooding and dour, and they needed the perceived romance of the moors. For all the windows of the house, on the side that receives the sun, overlook a cemetery that is utterly crammed with gothic graves, tombstones and catafalques. For some of the time when they were living there a plague was rife in the parish, and houses were not opened unless it was totally necessary. So there must have been this all-pervasive sense of gloom; and of course in those days it was a heavy journey to other places; which were also hardly very different. The Pennine stone turns black with age, invariably and inevitably, and adds its own overbearing hue to one's demeanour!
Anyway, to come back to reality: I think your use of ampersands detracts the reader's eye; otherwise, it's fine in itself although there are slight problems with the rhythm in the last stanza.
Which would probably move it to the discard side were it in a competition, and I feel that it's better than that, personally.
PTV |
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
| How very gloomy that you seem to only see in death a graveyard and bones. Christians see not death but the beginning of new life. If you look at the bluebell wood, in my poem Ode to the Bluebells, you can see either of two things: the dead leaves lying under the trees - the remains of last year - or you can see the new life springing up all around. You see, in this life there are the pessimists and also the optimists. I hope I am an optimist but I think I am outweighed by the pessimists in this world. I noticed that you still haven't corrected the spelling mistake which Audrie pointed out to you: Come on, if you want to be a writer, spelling is important. ICY has no E. This is a learning site as well as a writing site. ha ha I've had many corrections to make on my works. |
Okie
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 20th June 2008 |
Hi Jodie,
I can't help but feel that your review was an unprovoked attack on myself. If you're going to review my work, please make sure you stick to the piece and try not to comment on personal religion or whether you think I am an optimist or pessimist.
One of the reasons that I love this place is that you can learn more here than at a class or whatnot. So yes, I do realise that it's a 'learning site' as well as writing. And if you read most of my intros, they welcome and even ask for critisism.
I'm sorry that you thought it was gloomy but yes, death can make me think about graveyards and bones. It can also make me think of other things which I did not feel were relevant to this piece. And despite your translation of this poem, it makes me feel more comfortable about death - that it's not scary or bad etc.
Each to their own, ey? That's what I like about poetry - it's not only the way it's written that affects the person but also how they interprate it - so, in my opinion, you only see it as gloomy - others have seen it as hopeful or beautiful.
You see, I consider myself an eternal optimist and also sometimes feel weighed down by the pessimists of the world. But I can't do much more than just get on with life. And leave them to do the same, - if people don't want to listen, they won't.
And as for correcting the spelling mistake, I thought I had done so already though had obviously not clicked Save. You gave the vibe there that you were nit-picking and trying to put another writer down for something trivial - maybe it was just the way I interprated it.
PS Do not talk to me about your religion unless I ask you to do so - it is all hearsay and I have plenty of my own.
Other than that, thank you for the feedback and I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for in life.
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