Back to my normal stuff I'm afraid. This one was written after I left High School last year (yes, i know that sounds american, but I went to a high school) and at a time when i was planning to move to a different college to my best friend. I wrote this specifically about our last day, and our prom night.
And to clear confusion here before it starts, the person is female, I'm male, and its not a girlfriend.
Enjoy
Jam A part of me has been taken,
Stolen, given, become a part of you.
For you to have, a memoir of our days,
A book written in my soul,
Reading the words through my touch,
Our final chapter has been written,
A hug, our tears, the final dance.
The cliffhanger resolved,
You move off, you're gone
With me left standing, stuck on the last page.
The ending isn't definate yet.
I want to write a sequel..... |
Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | I do hope you did NOT sent these poems to her. They do describe the feelings well, but they aren't exactly helpful if you do indeed want to write a sequel 
Of course I don't know what did happen between the two of you, but if she's indeed 'just' a friend and replaced you with a new 'best friend', that's pretty harsh, but it's something that could happen. Just find yourself a more worthy one in that case.
If you quarreled about something and she's now just hanging out with her other close friends complaining about you, maybe a short, simple, sincere and polite apology might work better than a lyrical poem.
And if she has fallen in love, well, just give her some time. Friends that are in love can be terribly annoying, but eventually they'll realize there's more in the world than just that other person, and with some luck you'll have two good friends instead of one.
Yet if you ARE deep inside infatuated with her though, you'd better totally forget about her, go out with your other friends and try to fill the emptiness with something else.
Anyhow, whatever the situation: Try to be the wiser of the two, don't accuse her of anything, nor be too hard on yourself. It's sad, but not the end of the world.
I hope you'll all be alright soon. 
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | I liked: taken, Stolen, given - it expresses the different parts of friendship.
The metaphor is a good idea, not sure you need the last line.
(sp - memoir)
Phil. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | apologies about the speeling......(spot the ironies there!)
the one in the poem will be sorted.
And fledermaus - She's seen the poem. We're actually at the same college, my other choice of college depending on me getting 10 A* so i coudl get a scholarship. I didn't manage it, so I ended up going to the same college. The poem is merely about us leaving each other. At the time, i wanted to get into the other college and she was set for another one. We're still best friends now. She never left me for someone else or fell in love with me etc etc etc... Its all good....
Phil - like i said above, the last line is kind of a wish that we were moving on together, that there would be more pages in our "book", if that makes sense.
Anything else about the poem? | Oops.
Written by Fledermaus (3307 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | | Oops. Sorry about that then. I thought it was related to two of your other poems. If it's just about saying goodbye, each going to different schools, it's a very nice poem. Strange how much difference context makes. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | Hi,
On first reading it, didn't like it; then read it again and it improved.
Then read the other critiques, and your response, and have now gone back again.
"Reading the words through my touch" is, for me, a difficult metaphor - 'my fingers' might be better (for me) although the ether is so full of other people's songs, down the years, that 'fingers' are already spoken for!
Hmm. Sorry.
"The cliffhanger resolved, you move off", is a bit of a let down (as it was!), but I mean an anti-climax, rhythmically. It might read better with a semi-colon, which gives the reader an extra moment of pause (that's what it's for). And changing the last words to "you've gone", or "you're gone" might more fully describe to the reader the reason you're low.
By and large it's a worthwhile piece, I think - the 'book' metaphor and so on. Just, again, NEEDS MORE WORK; if you really feel that it's an important piece, for you, personally; and then for her. Because you will have improved it. And will go up in her estimation!
PTV | Well written.
Written by audrie (451 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | You obviously really want to write another chapter so why not try to find out how she really feels?
Young people are past masters at hiding their true feelings, forever afraid they will make fools of themselves.
But you are good friends and that is the best basis for an ongoing relationship. Best of luck! |
Written by Josie (2786 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | "Our final chapter has been written,
A hug, our tears, the final dance."
I go along with a lot which has already been said above, but I would question the above words. The final dance only comes on your deathbed. You are not there yet. My cousin has just married a girl he loved when he was 21. He is now 61 and she the same age. There was never another girl for him, and she married in her 20s and her husband died recently. Now they are together as happy as they ever were and never apart. So don't think the final chapter has been written by any means.
|
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | Josie - In this case, the final dance isn't metaphorical at all. It literally was the final dance, our final dance, the final dance of the prom, our school year etc etc. The final dance is merely meant to represent the end of that era. As i think I said before, at this stage, i was expecting ot go off to college boarding, so in my mind, this was very likely to be my last time seeing them. I apologise if it came across me sounding melodramatic, it wasnt meant to.
Audrie - this isn't one of those case. The friend in question means more to me than any girlfriend. The metaphorical sequel relates to wishing we would be going to college together, and thus have more adventures (?) together at college.
Pete - I've added "you're gone" in at that point, i agree it maybe didn't get across that reasoning exactly. The whole part about me being stuck on the last page is kind of like me taking in the memories of that one last night. I've also made it into 2 seperate lines, thus giving you the extra pause you were wanting.
Think thats everyone sorted.
Jam
Jam |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | | A nice, simple effort. I would re-write the line "A book written in my soul", as it seems a bit over the top. Get rid of the last line and re-write the second to last with something a bit more delicate, like "We leave our ending open." |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | Gutterkitty - Mmmm...i agree with the book written in my soul part, not particualry because it is ott, but because i'm sure i can find something better. As for the ending, would it perharps help if I was to take the second to last line and the last line, lose the elsipes inbetween them and have the last two lines as one line with the elsipes at the end. That way it makes that bit more detatched and should help it feel more gentle?
What does everyone else think?
Jam |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | To be honest I think it's a bit unnecessary to mention both leaving the ending open and the mention of a sequel in your final lines. They essentially mean the same thing. I also find the phrase "I made sure we left the ending open though" a bit clumsy, particularly with the "though". The rest of your piece is very concise and you manage to say a lot with few words- why not continue that tradition to the end of your piece?
Ellipses at the end of a poem don't do much for me, I'm afraid. They give the impression that the writer is not brave enough to leave his ending as it is. Of course that's not always the case, and it may simply be my personal preference talking. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 9th January 2008 | Gutterkitty - I've changed the last 2 lines of the poem. What do you think now?
The ellipses are merely there because it isn't a definate ending, metaphorically or the actual poem itself. It leaves an element of doubt in the readers mind about whether it really is the end or not...
nothing like a good mystery eh?
Jam |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 9th January 2008 | Gutterkitty - I've changed the last 2 lines of the poem. What do you think now?
The ellipses are merely there because it isn't a definate ending, metaphorically or the actual poem itself. It leaves an element of doubt in the readers mind about whether it really is the end or not...
nothing like a good mystery eh?
Jam |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
