I feel like there's too many "the"s in this, but I don't know how to fix it...
When I spin it flares and strums my brother’s guitar.
I want the definite gasp, a clutch at my waist
eyes that blur a little with want. The kind of reaction
that unfolds, wraps me into the satin
a little tighter. Draws taut the contrast of naked skin
and skirt, presses firm to my frail breast
the belief that I spend my days in beauty,
simple as zipping myself in twenty-two pounds fifty.
With make-up too delicately applied for eyes
ever dimmed by tears. And shoes that inspire tuts,
and know nothing but dance, an added height for kissing.
Not the absent-minded glance, the brief smile. Yeah, sure. Nice.
I want music in my walk, a dance, a fairy tale on sale.
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Written by Fledermaus (3325 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | If you don't like the 'the's, why not simply remove them? They didn't bother me though.
22,50... Doesn't sound that expensive. Girls are lucky that with some good taste they can still look fabulous at a relatively low cost. Never heard of a suit of that price. |
Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | Really liked this line:
simple as zipping myself in twenty-two pounds fifty
and
shoes that inspire tuts
I like the feel of this but felt it was a little too self-conscious - eg/ my frail breast.
Phil. |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | This is very good. Reads like the first flirty image-consious (though not entirely lacking in decorum) sashay of a diffident teenager seeking to impress with dress. The body language; eyes, waist, breast, naked skin, suggests that this lady has a definite audience in mind.
It's a confirmation of Life and as the last line suggests it is that fairytale life of the not-quite-sure-how-to-approach-life princess. The penultimate line is inspired - 'music in my walk' is the secret knowledge, the almost assured strut of one ready to move into self-awareness. In other words - ready to grow up.
There are some tweaks that could be made to this which might make it read a little better but the ideas and the associations are all there and makes this a very worthy write.
hm |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | | very good, perfectly sums up that feeling of wearing that very special dress which I don't have. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | Gutterkitty, hi,
Sounds to me as if you're anything BUT a gutterkitty!
Some lovely images you've given us here, as the others have said.
As regards the "The's". I didn't overly notice them, or overtly, even. But I'm inclined to think that if your were to reposition "a little tighter" between "me" and "into", turn "into" into "in", you could eliminate the full stop, have a lowcase "d" as the start of the next verse - technically, elision. This would have the effect of shortening stanza three across the page, and give the piece more balance to the reader's eyes.
Further down, if you feel it so, you could replace the first "the" with "an" and the second with "a". I DO like the cast-off remarks!
In the line above, though, were you to do that, you might need to add "to" between "but" and "dance", and change "an" to "give".
Try it out; there's nothing to be lost in the process, and it might just overcome your doubts.
Basically, it's a lovely piece, and all these if's and but's are just small suggestions. Work always needs honing; my honing might not be yours.
But think about it.
PTV
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Written by Josie (2798 comments posted) 5th January 2008 | | Your poem firstly takes me back to the 1950s when I was very very young, but had a dress which fitted tight at the waist (and I had a very small waist then as I was a ballet dancer). When rock and roll and jive came about, we would meet at the youth club and dance. Underneath our skirts we had layers of petticoats that were clear to all when we spun round - - and yes, the hjgh heeled shoes with such pointed toes that it really made our elders tut about what we were doing to our feet. It didn't matter, though, because the main purpose was to turn the heads of the young men also in the special clothes of the time. Remember Elvis and his style? You have written this so well, bringing out the feeling that attaches itself to the dress. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | Thanks everyone. It's interesting to see everyone's different interpretations of this piece- it can of course be a simple description of the sensation of wearing a dress, but for me it was an attempt to capture the wistful feeling that when one looks lovely, one's life will follow suit and bring romance, attention etc.
I think I may be worrying too much about the "the"s- a result of my recent attempts to become more concise in my writing.
HM- I'd be interested to hear your "tweaks", I'm always looking to improve.
PTV- thanks for your suggestions. I tried shortening the stanza as you said, but the effect of taking out the full stop made the piece a bit of a tricky read. I'm not sure what you mean about your "the" replacements- if you'd like to quickly rearrange the poem for me the way you see it I'd be happy to look at it. |
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