Hello. My name is Leptosira Interrogans, I am a cork-screw shaped bacterium and I'm here to offer you Leptospirosis.

I usually inhabit people such as farmers, or people with great outdoor interests such as canoeing, pot-holing, swimming and even fishing. As well as people, I enjoy staying in animals - any kind actually will do; cows, horses, sheep, foxes and even those pampered companions of yours, cats and dogs.

An infected animal will carry me around in its kidneys until it urinates and then I'm free to roam. Seeing as I'm a naturally aquatic bacterium, I'm almost always found in fresh water, damp soil, vegetation even and mud. And I love the rain as it allows me to wander even further as water saturates the soils; I pass directly into surface waters including rivers or ponds. If I'm lucky and if it's a hot day, people may decide to take a swim in the area that I'm currently residing in. I can infect you if you come into direct or indirect contact with the urine or tissues that hosts me. I would enter your body through cut or damaged skin, or even through mucous membranes or the eyes and once I get into your bloodstream, I can reach all parts of you, settling down to get to work.

I can offer you a wide-range of symptoms although some of my kind don't even create any. First we'll start with general flu-like symptoms (they seem to be in at the moment). This basic package comes with a severe headache, chills, muscle aches and vomiting, it's what we in the trade call it the bacteraemic phase and this is just me spreading through your blood ( a useful transport method) to your tissues, including your brain. Now, if after this phase you begin to feel well again, don't worry, I'm just resting, - we all need a break now and then. I'll be back on my feet again to take you off yours with slightly more drastic symptoms of fever, jaundice, abdominal pains and possibly diarrhoea. In some cases, I may even offer a free introductory gift of organ failure, meningitis or internal bleeding at no extra cost and you don't have to do a thing.

We will have to do something about your immune system; however, as after two to six weeks it will kick in and kick me out. This pesky system will eventually develop immunity to me although it may have trouble with my unrelated strains.

Your doctors may even come looking for me as quickly as they can with dangerous anti-biotics such as penicillin or doxycycline and depending on how long you've been my host and how many symptoms you've been able to obtain from me; those doctors may try to give you intravenous application of drugs.

For reasons unknown to me, some people may try to convince you that I'm not offering you great deal and tell you how to avoid me. They believe that minimizing contact with fresh water, mud and vegetation that may be contaminated with the urine of infected is a good idea. Those that participate in outdoor pursuits try to evade me by wearing protective clothing such as water-proof boots or waders and some people even take anti-biotics if there's a chance of meeting me. I must tell you, I take offence to such measures - I know not everyone likes sales-people but we all have a job to do.

Small Print: Minimum contract 2 weeks. May result in death.