A sonnet about Time.
Time, the callous miner, gathers my hours,
Beats each shallow moment until it's bent
And pitted, fitted into lines and scars
That point behind to show the way I went.
Each mark and fold’s part of my episode,
A piece of a story - no choice of cast;
Life’s mettle traced and etched, a motherlode
To dig, unearthing what was once the past.
What awaits, what’s there, can only be guessed,
The view to the horizon’s blurred, unclear
I’ll stumble on, unguided, to the test
With the miner’s breath rasping in my ear.
Grant, old digger, when I’m at last assayed
You find my worst is by my best outweighed.
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Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
I liked this hm. The first four and last two seem stronger than the rest. I don't really have the poetic tools to suggest properly why - only that there seems to be a change of style, somehow.
'and fold's' - lost me there.
There's a universal feeling (probably) in the last two. It sounded almost like a secular prayer.
Phil |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
Thinking about what you said Phil I have taken a look and think that maybe it is there that the poem moves from the particular to the general. The lines you specify are where the narrator most directly addresses the 'Callous Miner' and perhaps that directness is what appeals.
Anyway I am pleased that you read this and found something in it to like. Thank you.
hm |
Written by Phil (6951 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
Nw you've pointed that out - I reckon you're right.
Phil |
HI HM
Written by maipenrai (784 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
A good wriiten piece mate.
Bernie |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
| Again agree with Phil...I really like your idea of time as a miner and I think sticking to that metaphor a little more tightly would result in a more interesting piece. |
I find ...
Written by patterjack (1429 comments posted) 6th January 2008 |
.. the metaphors mixed, and the sense of time, present past and future decidely confused for me. The grammar is unsure, with referents rather odd .
mettle / metal ? fold's /fold is or do you actually intend it to be a possessive?
Sorry, but it is not your best effort.
patterjack |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Thanks Bernie, good of you to read and comment.
GK Yes, maybe a more precise use of the metaphor might help.
PJ Not sure if the metaphor is mixed rather than not sufficiently worked but I hate over-extended metaphors. The sense of time? Well I only know past, present and future - if you know more then please share. Grammar unsure? mettle is a pun on metal. Now why, in this context , would I intend fold's to be possessive? That WOULD be grammatic goobledegook.
No need to be sorry, PJ. If I ever apply the superlative to any of my writing I will know it's (it is) time to quit.
Thanks for your views on this.
hm |
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Although I liked your poem and the use of language, I am not too sure whether time is exactly a miner. I felt a certain hardness attached to life, as if it is not soft and pliable in any way - and yet it is. We have the freedom to form our lives as we want them - well most of us who are on GW I am sure. Then you said:
Beats each shallow moment until it's bent
And pitted, fitted into lines and scars
That point behind to show the way I went.
It sounds as if the past has been finalised. Of course it has to a certain extent, but you can still go back and change things - and forgiveness is one of the things.
I liked the last two lines. All in all I would say that you put a lot of thought into this poem, and left a lot for the reader to reflect on. |
Written by patterjack (1429 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
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Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Thanks Josie. Ofcourse we can contemplate the past but the philosophical revisit to what's gone cannot undo the actions.
Reflection after reading is, to some extent, the purpose of most writing so I'm pleased this managed to score on that point with you.
pj. Words fail you again?
hm |
Grammar and point of view
Written by patterjack (1429 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
The elision of the i before the noun part does I am afraid , suggest a possessive.
mettle -- I saw the pun but felt it was dragged in by its literary ears.
Time : I was commenting from the way you change point of view , moving from time itself to your personal commentary.
I should have said not one of your better efforts .
I thought my use of litotes was kinder than a heavier criticism
patterjack
who , by the way, generally enjoys your work and is impressed by the Rostrevor poem
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And no.
Written by patterjack (1429 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Words , as my friends , rarely fail me. My fingers , as clumsy tools , frequently do so as far as the keyboard is concerned
patterjack |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Suggesting a positive? In this context, surely not.
By their nature puns are not the most subtle tools in the bag but have their place by whichever part of their anatomy they arrive.
Time. Point taken - and a good point.
I have always been dependent on the kindness of strangers.
Thank you for the Rostrevor thumbs up.
It is a pparent that words are indeed your friends PJ and my remark alluded to what appeared to be a line of commas.
Thank you for the comments. Much appreciated.
hm |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 8th January 2008 |
HM,
No one has apparently noticed, of course, that this is a sonnet.
A very devil of a thing to write.
Which I think is why there is a slight stumble by the reader over "each mark and fold's part of my episode"; because (if you're honest) you've had to eliminate the word "is" for the sake of the 10!. Hence, we stumble, to unravel what you mean. At first I thought "marks & folds", then realised that they are both singular; and then unravelled why.
So I suspect you might need to concentrate on this one line.
Later - "What awaits, what's there, can only be guessed" might (if you'll forgive me) read slightly more easily as:
"What awaits, what's there, can be only guessed" - although I appreciate that to the purist this invoves a split infinitive. Hardly/only - "can be hardly guessed". I think if you roll these around the roof of your mouth you may find one or t'other tastes ok?
I hesitate to suggest something else - perhaps a semi-colon or a dash at the end of the 11th. line - just to give the reader pause.
By the way, only now, after writing all this, have I noticed that you tell us it's a sonnet in the preamble! It's true, guv, honest injun! I recognised it beforehand, honest I did, sir! Sir?
PTV
P.S I still see you as pope and vagrant in the one guise - cannot explain why with any logic whatsoever! Especially as I only have you from your words and your reviews.
Regards |
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