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Poetry
Once was home
By Chinaski
06 January 2008
The tall red buildings
have now faded and are no longer
the colour of ripe tomatoes
but simply like a faded old shirt
exisiting but unwanted
rotting from the inside

The only remainder
are the people
same people but now with
faces of broken dreams
poverty
empty vessels

The streets are dirty
and all neighborhoods are
falling apart in slow motion
as are the people

Except the financial palaces
put there by the corporations

Walking there in the cold November air
treading in footsteps of the past
you realize that once you called this
home

Eyes shut, remebering
the faces and the places
that once were a part of your life

This used to be home
I don't remember it feeling this empty

Reviews
Once was Home
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 6th January 2008
Yes, I felt the sentiments being expressed in your poem and enjoyed reading. 
embro

Written by Phil (6738 comments posted) 6th January 2008
A good idea, and while what you wanted to get across was put across, some of the lines stood out as less refined than the others. 
 
Particularly: 
Except the financial palaces 
put there by the corporations 
 
Idea's good, delivery perhaps needs looking at. 
 
Phil.
Hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 6th January 2008
liked this, good idea. 
Bernie

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 6th January 2008
Simple and effective writing. I feel you could lose the lines mentioned by Phil though, and work on your line breaks (ie the "home" of stanza five would do better in the line above). A clue to where you're writing about in your title would be helpful in imagining the scene- I'm quite curious to know where red buildings can be found.

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 6th January 2008
HI, I agree very much with the others above, although I particularly like the simile of the buildings rotting from the inside like old shirts; personally I don't object to the phrase 'financial palaces put there by the corporations', for in mho this indicates quite starkly how the new has completely overrun the old. The line, "That were once a part of your life" is superfluous, because you are already "treading in the footseps of the past", which is clearly the writer's own past in this context. 
Very much a piece to be enjoyed; this is one of those where NEEDS MORE WORK is appropriate; but it has a definite feel to it and I'm sure that you're on the basis of a good poem here. 
PTV

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