Ok, two more to put on today. One from my more serious pile, and one with a bit of humour. This is the more serious of the two, and after reviews on the other one, I can tell this is going to cause some controversy....
The first two lines, in case anyone recognises them, are from a book called Valiant by Holly Black, part of the faerie stories (there goes any street cred i had on this site, admitting to reading that) althought it was in a prologue, so may well be from somewhere else.
Anyway, enjoy reading it
Jam
Strike a glass,
And it will not endure a moment.
Simply do not strike it,
And it will endure a thousand years.
Strike a heart, it too will not process a lifetime of love.
Yet to have a heart kept safe from hurt and anguish,
A heart that hasn't learnt to care, to love,
Is not to have a heart at all.
A heart of glass, untouched, unstruck, unloved. |
Heart of Glass
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | I like this piece, it has a good clear message, nicely expressed. Quite profound?
embro |
Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | Better to have loved and lost.....?
I think this may be your best effort to date. Not sure about th elast line - perhaps it just needs splitting to slow it down. A little wordy in places - but has rthe makings of a good poem.
(I say all this as a poor poet.)
Phil. | Hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | a good write.
Bernie |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | Found the metaphor in this a bit difficult to process. Why can't a heart that has been struck once continue to love again? I was under the impression hearts can recover. And wouldn't an "unstruck" heart be made of sterner stuff than glass?
Nothing wrong with the piece really, just something to think about. |
Written by punchy (499 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | | I like it , don't quite get it though, maybe me too shallow. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 6th January 2008 | Hi,
I like the first four lines, which should (I think) be a stanza on their own.
Now you have to condense the remaining five lines into four, and in the process you have to endeavour to give those revised four lines the precise rhythm and if possible rhyme of the first four.
This is a very big ask.
But certainly, you must bring the five down to four, because there's far too much going on in there.
You night get away with 4/4/2, or 4/2/4; but that's where you have to go with this, I think.
PTV |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | Interesting...quite a difference of opinion.....
Gutterkitty - That is one of many ways of looking at it, however, you have to also think that a heart can be easily broken, like glass. The whole poem stemmed from a line I found in a book I was reading, which I do sometimes do, delvop poems out of a single line I hear or read. Amazingly, that is also how "How not to pull" came into being as well....
Pete - I think I'm going to have to agree partially with you. I agree that maybe the first four line could be taken into a paragraph of their own. However, I hate writing to styles/forms with certain numbers of lines etc, which could be why i generally avoid rhyming poems or things like haikus.
Phil, I think you're also right in that the last line needs to be split up. I'm not sure whether to make a new line after a heart of glass, or whether to put each of the 3 words after "heart of glass" on seperate lines? Anyone else is welcome to share their views on it as well.
Thank you everyone else for your opinions. I do take them into account.
Jam
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