And for my other offering, a more serious one. Yet again, one I know will cause controversy and outcry, but who said poetry had to comply. This is one of my long ones, bits have been added here and there over time, but I will be interested to hear what you think.
I imagine there are going to be some very strong opinions about this, so enjoy it and please leave a comment, sepically if you have a better idea for the title (I always hated the title i gave this but couldn't think of anything better)
Jam This place is a picture of calm,
Birdsong, the wind through the leaves.
A car pulls up the drive,
A red mist approaches.
The mood shatters,
The birds see this coming and go,
It's not unusual, more like regular,
They sense the danger.
Two steps and I'm scared,
I want to go with the birds, safety,
But he'd want me back down,
He knows I'm weak, and It's all my fault,
It's all my fault,
It's all my fault,
He tells me so many times, I believe it.
The hand comes down, across my face,
The red mist splurges from my nose,
Mum's too scared to stop him,
Better me than her, she'll say,
And it's not her fault, it's mine,
He says it again as my back cracks on the table,
And then tells me that I'm lucky to be here,
Lucky I have a Dad like him,
I'm too lucky to be alive, he says.|
Wow!
Written by ErikaRain (7 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | | That's very powerful. I would have never seen it coming. Your words create such a perfect picture. I was right there along with you. Yes, you were right, it would have been better to be with the birds..lol... A wonderful piece. |
Written by audrie (475 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | There are no bad children - only bad parents and the damage they do lasts a lifetime.
Agree with you the title is wrong. If you want irony it could be 'Count your Blessings!' or 'Father, dear Father!' but I'm sure someone else will come up with a much better title. |
Written by punchy (576 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | | Very dark and depressing. There are so many beastly men (and women) in the world. It was very well written but now I feel sad. |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | I don't think there's anything controvertial about the poem at all. It describes a sickening snapshot in a series of episodes that you won't be the only GW member to experience. Not saying that lessens the experience at all. If anything, it strengthens it.
I think the simpler style in this one works well. Often, you seem to be trying a little hard to be 'poetic.'
Title: how about - Lucky.
Phil |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | Jam,
Your intro is really quite light-hearted, so I wasn't expecting what you've laid down.
Setting the scene is so important; the scene here is bucolic, almost; and then shattered.
Very good indeed.
I was going to say I don't think a word needs changing, but the the fourth line very slightly gives a sense of what's to come. Maybe that's a mistake? If you could make it marginally more innocent - "a red mist approaches" is slightly too soon. Were you to exchange lines 4 and 5, I think that it would make the birds flying away to be more of an understandable omen.
Semi-colons either side of the word 'safety' - gives a moment to think, to understand?
Just a thought.
Good piece.
I mean it.
PTV |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th January 2008 | | I like the way that you set the scene, with your final stanza illuminating those preceding it. I feel like you could dig deeper with what you're trying to say here though. I also find the language of the third line of the second stanza out of place. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Pete - How does combining the first 2 verses together, and swapping the 4th and 5th lines around?
Punchy - Sorry for making you feel sad! Read the other ones of mine to make you laugh a bit.
Audrie - I like the title, "Count your blessings"
Erika - Thank you, although if I'd gone with the birds the poem wouldn't have been as interesting!
Phil - Could you maybe explain what you mean by trying to be too "poetic?"
Cheers Everyone
Jam |
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