Most people seem to find my work morbid. But I can't help it, that's my style. Not gonna change for anyone..... Enjoy, or not!
MANY OF YOU SEEMS TO HAVE THE IDEA THAT THIS POEM WAS WRITTEN FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. WELL SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU.
IT!
WAS!
NOT!
I WROTE IT BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT. IT IS NOT A FORM OF VENTING OR THERAPY.THANK YOU!
I am broken.
This tremendous light that has once shone inside me has died out.
Now I am cursed to walk in perpetual darkness.
I am so weak.
Defeated.
Before, the emotions rushed from me like water down a steep hill.
Now, it has slowed to a trickle and I can feel what little life I have left slowly recede.
Pretty soon I’ll be hallow.
Nothing inside .
No hope, no love, no soul.
I’ve given everything I could give and you’ve taken.
I know it’s just no use.
I’m just wasting my time.
I’ve tried. But their has been no effort on your part.
This constant uphill battle.
Alone the way, I’ve lost so many pieces of myself.
Then somewhere, Somehow, I lost you.
When did things get so horrid?
When did I become so alone?
I’ve traveled all this way just to find out that it’s all been in vain.
I suppose it was a lost cause.
This fork in the road….
We both saw it coming.
Two separate paths that we must both travel alone.
Maybe at the end of this journey, I’ll find myself again and pick up the pieces.
There is nothing left to say or do.
I don’t believe I’ll be alright.
I loved you.
|
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
What a dreadful dirge for a Monday morning!
Get a life, girl, we have all loved and lost, and if you allow others to drain you dry, then the fault is yours.
Spelling needs attention. Sorry to be so down on you. It's probably me! |
Written by punchy (504 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Bit harsh audrie
Yes this very depressing but you expressed the emotion very clearly.
The awful pain of a broken heart and the empty feeling you are left with is very hard to climb out of but there is always a light just hard to find it. |
Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
You seem to have upset audrey erika...:s
I personally like the poem, but then i always was a more morbid one. My first comment on my first poem i put on here was "Sickening". One small suggestion, the line no hope, no love, no soul: Maybe split it into 3 lines, emphasising the important parts is a big skill, and i feel that those words need more time to sink in.
Keep it up 
Jam |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
It may be harsh - but a good point is made. It is depressing and inward looking. Again - a well worn (out) subject and so any poem needs to approach it in a very careful way. It adds nothing to my understanding of or feeling for heartbreak. Possibly written as therapy - if so - possibly best left for private moments.
Sorry Erika. I seem to have been down on your last two pieces. Just honest responses.
Phil
|
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Hi, Erika,
As Audrie points out, the odd typo (their/there) and so on.
To be honest, I enjoyed reading this, as I've been there myself and whether it's personal therapy or no, it's a statement of the human condition.
As poetry, of course, hutmaster would say that it's just a list (something he said about one of mine!).
But there's something there - I don't, myself, find this as downbeat as others appear to.
I'm not going to comment on the structure, or anything, because that's not what it's been written for.
You look after yourself girl - there's a new world ahead of you. You'll never forget. But you WILL move ahead.
PTV |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Erika, Hi.
I'm sorry to intrude on your thread but feel compelled to when I read the above post.
PTV. I have checked and I replied to two of your posts. In neither reply did I say what you allege - check them out!
Furthermore, if I have a comment to make I will make it myself and certainly won't be calling on you to make it on my behalf.
I presume that when you have checked your facts I will get your apology.
Again Erika please excuse my intrusion and I trust you will accept my apology for being forced to defend myself here.
hm |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
| I can't see any skill here. I'm sorry. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
| That wasn't very helpful, I will try to offer some more constructive advice. You have a sound metaphor here of the long road and two paths, but you introduce it in the final stages of the poem. Why not try to focus on that one idea and develop it? You have many ideas here in this one piece and it can appear jumbled. An exploration of a feeling, emulated through the exploration of a single metaphor, can be a powerful thing. Mix the metaphors up and it minimises your chance for depth and impact. |
gutterkitty
Written by ErikaRain (7 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
I never said I had skills.. but thanks anyway....  |
Written by Phil (6845 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Sorry hm, I think the list thing might refer to me - I wrote it on a poem (not Erika's) a few days ago.
It was also me who suggested this may have been written as a cathartic exercise - apologies for that - it clearly riled.
I stand by the rest of m previous comment.
(anyone else I need to apologise to?)
Phil. |
Maybe
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 8th January 2008 |
I should offer an apology, if I was thought too harsh?
I actually have been in that place, but wallowing in self-pity never helped anyone and happiness comes from within - eventually - and shouldn't depend on other people to this life-threatening extent.
And, as I said, people can only treat you badly, if you allow them to. |
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