A poem about a heart's longing. Wishing for the fantasy world of dreams to become a reality.
Tangled in the twisted sheets
Like cotton arms of a jealous lover.
Hair pasted on cheeks, slick with heat.
Dream-dancing with the knot of covers.
Sighing, sweating.
When do dreams become real?
In a universe of mind we always meet
Under the opal eye of night time’s mother.
Pearls of light her moony gaze weeps
As my sleep-dusted lips move and mutter.
Murmurs, pleading.
Do I visit your dreams?
Awakened gasp with heart’s galloping beat.
Perusing thoughts of a significant other.
In the whimsical sky I can almost see
My feather wish floating away on a zephyr.
Wondering, hoping
That one day you will dream of me.
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Written by blogbrush (33 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
| One of the strongest poems I've read on here in a while, really enjoyed this, though can I make a bold suggestion? Take away the three couplets. I think the rhetorical questions interupt the flow of the excellent longer stanzas, and the last couplet is just weaker than the rest and states obviously something implicit in what comes before. I think the three longer stanzas alone make for a beautiful read, the first one in particular a brilliant evocation of a restlessness we can all relate to. What does everyone else think? |
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
| I'm certainly glad that none of mine become a reality because I'm always glad to wake up and face reality - ie all the problems don't really exist. Glad that yours are better. |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Hi,
Not read one of yours, before, Z.
I think that this is too much of a tangle in the sheets - there's a tremendous amount going on for myself, at least.
Blogbrush is right - it needs condensing.
You have some very evocative phrases - 'dream dancing with the knot of covers' - 'under the opal eye' (I'm not sure who night time's mother is? - too intentionally poetic by three quarters!) - and I'm absolutely convinced that under this array of dreamlike ideas (and dreams, of course, have no logic) there is, neverthless, a piece which you can assemble with the logic of English.
That may sound harsh - flip; not intended to.
NEEDS MORE WORK (one of my standby phrases, if you haven't come across me before - I'm new, and have a degree of asperity!).
PTV |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Definitely take out the couplets. A good idea but they just don't work here.
The first stanza is lovely- I wouldn't change it.
The third is, perhaps (as PTV said), a bit too poetical. It seems too fantastical and OTT in comparison with the first stanza, which is rooted in reality, all tangled limbs and sweat.
The second line of the fifth stanza again seems a tad too poetical and in need of a re-write to make it plainer. As for the next line, I can't help but wonder why the sky is "whimsical"- is it the sky of dreams?
A good effort  |
Wonderful...
Written by Steve_K (57 comments posted) 7th January 2008 |
Really great poem, I especially liked the image:
"Tangled in the twisted sheets
Like cotton arms of a jealous lover"
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