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By punchy
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08 January 2008 |
As I ride on my biggest of waves
The feeling is second to none
As I peak at the crest and follow its curve
with the earth I am chained, we are one
I can taste the salt as I breathe
my whole body is totally there
A gasp for a breath, drawn out to it's last
I can feel every bone, every hair
Yes now I am truly alive
I've mastered the pleasure the thrill
As I descend, the sea becomes calm
The world has withdrawn ,we are still
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Hi punchy
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Yes, I can just picture you at Fistral beach on that crest of a wave ! it sounds captivating.
I like your piece but I am not sure you need the 'and' or the 2nd 'as' in the next to last line. I think it reads better without them, but just my opinion.
Overall I enjoyed and liked the way you described the end.
embro |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Reads like a very interesting metaphor for making love, P. I hope that was the intention!! Filled with the motion and emotion of the love act. A very sensuous and highly adept write.
One little glitch at L1, V2 breath needs an E.
hm |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | I agree entirely with the HM, and also noticed the small typos he mentioned.
Very good.
PTV |
Written by punchy (493 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Yes a follow on from previous post called Pleasure.
Thanks for pointers.  |
Written by Josie (2732 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Hi Paula - I agree with everything that has been said, because your subject matter is great. I hope this will help you though. I'm like you - a stickler for rhythm in my poems. In each line I counted the following beats: 4,3,4,3 - really good. I like that. But in verses 2 and 3, you only had 3 beats in first line. Clap it out - you'll see. You can easily change it: ie:
I can taste /the salt/as I breathe in/the air -
In the next verse you could put something like:
Now /I am riding/ on top/ of my world
You were a dancer, as I was, and I am sure you can clap your hands on each forward slash and see what I mean.
Only a very small thing in a lovely poem. Hope this helps.
| Lovely poem,
Written by audrie (444 comments posted) 10th January 2008 | And there's me thinking what a wonderful surfer you must be.
I have heard people say that a good wave is far better than sex! So I was rather disappointed that we are back to the same old - same old! |
Written by Robru (204 comments posted) 12th March 2008 | Hi Punchy, When raeding this aloud I can find no reason to changs anything. The variance in syllables emphasises the point you are making. It reads well. I am no surfer but the alternate reference gives me hope.  |
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