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What I've Been Told
By jammycarrot
08 January 2008
Only one today (am revising hard for A level exams), as time is limited. Serious one again, hopefully something a bit nicer and less depressing than many that have preceded it....

Jam

Something never comes from nothing I was always told,
A pearl from the oyster,
A novel from the mind,
And the rose from the seed.

I was told that miracles never happen,
No saviour would come upon my darkest of hours,
To carry me away up to the highest reaches of heaven.

And as I'm always told, true perfection has to be imperfect,
No-one could make me forever happy,
that every rose has it's thorns.

But you came from nowhere,
Unexpectedly into my life,
And saved me in my hour of need.
You took my hand and told me of a place,
A place where happiness is forever,
And dreams come true,
For me, for us.

And despite what everyone says,
I believe you.

Reviews

Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 8th January 2008
Ah, the triumph of optimism over experience! Let's hope you're right! 
To look at the piece: I think you need to eliminate the comma at the end of 'hours' (2nd. verse). 
Taking it as a whole, I think you need to decide whether you're going for three lines, four lines, or just a hotch potch of thoughts. 
Thare are a few clichés in there - highest reaches - hour of need - forever happy - (which comes along twice, if differently) - miracles never happen. I appreciate that these are the very bones of what you want to say; but I think that with a bit of judicious weeding you WILL be able to say it, just as strongly but with even more power. 
PTV 
Reading this over, it sounds as if it's all negative. It's not intended that way, because you're definitely onto something.

Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 8th January 2008
I like this. its romantic.
Hi JC
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 8th January 2008
Your words convinced me ! I love the theme of the piece and it has a nice conclusion. 
If I were to nit-pick, then I think it is a bit lumpy in the 1st couple of stanza's and I think it would be stronger if you were to swop the 2nd and 3rd lines around in the 3rd stanza. So it went from : 'No-one could make me forever happy'.....straight to....'You came from nowhere'  
Generally I like it. 
all the best 
embro

Written by jammycarrot (50 comments posted) 9th January 2008
Embro - Do you think I should get rid of the "but" also? I added that in the hope that it would split the poem into two different parts almost. 
 
Pete - This was written as part of a challenge to use 3 of the cliches in there in a poem (hour of need, miracles never happen and you took my hand), sdo it's interesting to see that you find those bit unnecessary. I'll have a re-think and see what I come up with and try and get back to you. 
 
Punchy - Cheers 
 
Jam

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