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By Carly
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08 January 2008 |
How I feel today :-( I stand still
Wind blowing the trees
Cars passing by
Lights flickering
I stand still
I stand still
Fires are blazing
Trains passing by
TVs blaring houses
I stand still
I stand still
Hearing the grass growing
People Walking by
Laptops exploring
I stand still
I stand still
Rain is thrashing down
Buses travelling by
Noise is so loud
I stand still
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Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Yes,
The repeated line has a beat; but I think it's overdone, to be honest, and might be better if you pared it down a bit.
I also realise that what you are aiming for is to show the reader all the 'busy' facets/facts of life around you. But basically all you've given us is a list.
You may think this is harsh - but what you have to do with any piece of verse is to get it on paper and then leave it alone. Something you write today is very rarely ready for a reader, today. Tomorrow (in the wider sense) you may see its shortcomings; or have something to add more colour to it. Your mind is a wonderful thing, and will repay you for patience.
Verse isn't journalism.
If you want to know what poetry is (never mind verse), have a look at The Huntsman's piece 'Rostrevor'. And compare it with your own.
Sorry,
PTV
| No need for sorry!
Written by Carly (9 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Thanks PTV - I just like writing, I value everyones opinion... :-)
I do write alot - I should probably post more of my other stuff am afraid too :-S | Re No need for sorry!
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | Hi,
Good to see that a bit of adverse comment doesn't go astray.
If you write a lot - there's nothing like it.
Don't stop.
And then when you do stop, sit back and consider.
That's all I'm saying.
I see you do reviews on here - carry on with that; try and review even those that you don't really wish to - because then you have to really THINK about what you're saying, and in that process I believe that you learn more and more, all the time. About the craft of writing; and about yourself, and your own position in the scheme of things.
Wisdom isn't entirely handed down to us by our forbears; we can make some of it our own. And broaden our intellect in the process.
Cheers - end of lectures for today!
PTV |
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 8th January 2008 | | I liked this. only line I didn't like was hearing the grass growing. |
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