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HI Patterjack Written by jean.day (2279 comments posted) 9th January 2008 |
| Nice poem this, and I think I understand it. I thought first of a prison, but can't imagine a prison being a silent place. So now I think it is a mental hospital - or a padded cell. |
Written by hutmaster (134 comments posted) 9th January 2008 |
Hi PJ. The long lines strengthen the sense of menace and foreboding in this. I got the impression that it's perhaps a gladiator waiting to face the bloodthirsty crowd and the lions in the Forum. You've built the tension very well and whoever the seeker is it seems to me his job's half done, for the poor soul in that bar of light must already be quaking. Nice write. hm |
Close , both of you! Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 9th January 2008 |
Thanks Jean and HM You can take the intention of this piece even further, I think.Each of you has hit a facet-- one where it began , one where it almost ended . Others have done simiiarly in private messages I confess that the work took off in a direction I had not originally intended -- probably why the meaning can be interpreted in different ways . patterjack |
ooh, scary Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 10th January 2008 |
| very menacing but I like it. A little ambiguous... but brilliant all the same ^_^ x clo |
As in most fears... Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 10th January 2008 |
...there is ambiguity . Thank you for the review, Clo. patterjack |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 29th January 2008 |
PJ As you seemed to sense my criticism of something you wrote in a critique (DressedInPoetry, today) I think I owe it to you to look at some of your work; this is the first I have found. This seemed to me to resonate of a refugee, perhaps in a church; certainly holed up, shall we say, in a place of seemingly secure but utimately inherently insecure refuge. There is a certain menace; relieved by a subsequent release of tension. A most interesting piece; and now, reading it for a fourth of fifth time, I find the word "turnkey", which had not previously impacted. And now, I find that our subject, our narrator, is a prisoner. I think. Altogether very ambiguous, I think. But wonderfully atmospheric. Thanks for this. PTV
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Part of a series... Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 29th January 2008 |
... demonstrating , I hope , a slightly more than adolescent angst . Thank you for the comment . patterjack |
Graphic! Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 29th January 2008 |
From one who rarely dares venture an opinion on poetry, but I feel obliged to add my thoughts. Others have already mentioned the foreboding and menace which you sketch superbly and with a minimalist economy of words. I enjoyed the ambiguity, which leaves the reader to 'contribute' something by being obliged to use a bit of imagination and really THINK about the words on the page. VERY effective - thank you! |
Thank you Bagheera Written by patterjack (1193 comments posted) 29th January 2008 |
My previous postings have not made clear that the verse is the result of a kind of angst patterjack |
Powerful Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 1st February 2008 |
I'm not a poet, so I am not qualified to comment. But I kept wondering about this piece. What is the writer waiting for? Or is it the seeker that's been waiting, and slowly making his presence felt? The writer does not seem fearful though such a scenario would instil fear in most people. I think because he has some idea who is on the other side. Perhaps a messenger of death from the other world? Mia |
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