A commentary on age, and innocence; and the sexes
Out Of Date
To savour the breeze,
He lowered his window.
It went straight back up,
With an electrical hum.
A few moments later,
To savour the breeze,
He lowered his window.
“What are you doing?”
Her words were obscured
By an electrical hum.
The woman bemused,
Her scowl angry, black
Beneath sunglasses.
To savour the breeze,
He lowered his window.
The resultant electrical hum
Was not enough to obscure
Her voice, angry, impatient;
He, the recalcitrant idiot.
For she was his daughter,
Air-conditioned, Australian.
And he was her father. A
Mere, out of date, Englishman.
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Written by Josie (2825 comments posted) 11th January 2008 |
| This is only my opinion, of course, and others won't agree. I felt a certain rhythm to the first two lverses of your poem, and then was a bit disappointed because it went on as a short piece of prose cut into small lines. Not only that, but the number of lines varied in each verse. I think many people on here would like this as you've done it, but for me, I like balance, rhyme and rhythm. I think it may stem from my early years as a dancer. ha ha The last verse, in particular, annoys me because the first part is not even a complete sentence. Now I expect I've annoyed you - very sorry. I do write blank verse, but with structure of a different kind. |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 11th January 2008 |
I kind of like this - but my shallow mind had me disappointed at the end. I thought he might be wafting away the odd fart, but he was merely experimenting with modern magic. For a simp like me - a small disappointment.
Phil |
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 12th January 2008 |
Aww, I liked. The last stanza made me feel for the 'out of date Englishman' - but I think I have a thing for 'old-styled' things 
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Written by Steve_K (55 comments posted) 12th January 2008 |
Don't know what it was but I just didn't like it, a bit repetitive with
"...the electrical hum" line. Treated, what I reckon to be an in-depth subject ie. family, very simplistically. This may have been your aim Pete but it just didn't click if you know what I mean? |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 15th January 2008 |
Thanks, all,
Just a whimsy. |
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