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By punchy
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11 January 2008 |
All I see is dark
My life wrapped in a chain
This chain cannot be broken
Without enormous pain
I had a glimpse of light
I even felt a chance
But underneath that moment
Was a backward facing glance
So now I'll wear my mask
And fill the void with hope
A savior he will find me
And shroud me with his cloak
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Written by Josie (2786 comments posted) 11th January 2008 | | Things can be put right and have been put right many many times over the generations. Problems need to be confronted and worked through with help. You cannot shroud problems with cloaks or run away from them. I've also been there as have everyone who have shared your problems or had worse ones of their own. Prayer helps I strongly believe. |
Written by embro (126 comments posted) 11th January 2008 | Hi punchy,
I like the structure of this piece and its simplicity but I have to be honest and admit that I am not sure whether I understand it. I have a vague idea, but it may be a bit deep for my mind to interpret (or too subtle?) I think I am missing something but not sure what it is.
all the best
embro |
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 12th January 2008 | I enjoyed this one, thanks. I particulary liked the last couple of lines of the first stanza.
Josie - I don't think you should cover your problems with a shroud but the narrator, in my opinion, didn't do this - the shroud came from the saviour, no? Maybe I missed something but didn't the narrator "fill the void with hope" ? What's better than that?  |
Written by petetheverse (164 comments posted) 12th January 2008 | Hi,
Philosophy? Difficult to write about - a lot going on in this, I think.
But if it is written as a serious 'personal' piece about your own day-to-day, then it's good that you can visualise coming into the light, even if it hasn't yet entirely happened.
There is a saviour (typo) there; for us all; 'he/she/it' is more than a convention, I am certain.
Rather different to your other pieces. Break free from this one, if you can.
Not much help, though, I'm sure.
PTV | No advice Please!
Written by punchy (500 comments posted) 12th January 2008 | My poems are fantasy and fictional not that I should even have to explain that. Please do not think I need advice I am a happy bunny with a dark imagination. If my poems were true of my feelings I think my lovely husband and anyone else that knows me would be rather concerned. I would have had a very interesting week though with all the pizza, sex and dark thoughts! ( did have a pizza though)
This is a poetry section and not an agony aunt page.
Sorry to be so blunt but I'd just like honest reviews PLEASE  |
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